I'm going to catch hell for typing this, for opening up. I gotta get it out somehow, though. This may be a long post, for that I apologize.

While I was inpatient last month, I felt myself losing control over rational thought. I'm still somewhat suspicious -- though at the time was fully convinced -- that the phone was being tapped, my medication contained micro-organisms that could induce mind control, my food was laced with sedatives that should force my compliance etc.. This train of thought and the idea that I wasn't sick enough to deserve a bed when so many others needed it more, was the reason I discharged myself. I went in voluntarily and also didn't share any of my beliefs with the doctor, I didn't trust her or anyone else there enough to do so. They were all working against me. With the intention of keeping me trapped so harm could be done to the people I loved, without me there to save them.
So, I discharged myself and kept taking my medication, though I didn't trust it. I assumed that IP was the only place working against me, until I got out, that is. I began to believe that people around me were impostors. At the very least, they weren't real. That it was a simulation of sorts. One of those I believe(d) an impostor would be my T. I still go back and forth and can't make up my mind. Ultimately, I've come to the conclusion that there is no one I can truly trust. To be honest, though, I've always felt this way. However, referring to that whole not being "sick enough to deserve a bed" idea that manifested in the hospital; well, it's only grown. It's not only a lack of trust (which I've always had), it's believing that what's going on with me isn't real. It isn't real and therefore I need to quit lying to people. I need to keep my mouth shut because other people have real problems. They don't need these false ones added to their list. They know real pain, I don't.
As a result of all this, I've quit attending therapy -- even though my therapist desired my normal one time a week session to become three times a week. I've also quit opening up, almost entirely. I don't necessarily lie when I'm asked, "Are you okay." I simply respond with, "As okay as I can be" instead of properly addressing the question. I've quit seeing my friends, too. They need me to be there for them, but how can I be when I'm battling with my own mind over what is real and what isn't? I actively avoid my fiance most of the time. I sleep while he's awake, and stay awake while he's asleep or at work. All of this seems practical to me, as I'm an infection in their lives. I am a parasite. I take from them and offer nothing in return. I'm an infection because I make their lives even more difficult to bare.
I also should mention that I've been self-harming and self-medicating a lot, again. These problems of mine are fake but these feelings won't leave and I don't know why. Have I really buried myself that deep under all of this self-deceit? Though I don't fully believe in their existence, I can't tune out these voices. I can't make them leave me alone. I also can't seem to fight off this imaginary power they have over me. I hurt myself because they want me to. I self-medicate until I'm passed out and drooling because I'm desperate to shut them out. Even so, they've infiltrated my nightmares.

I'm left questioning what I should do here. How do I subdue these manifestations of my mind's lie? What do I do to make these things leave me alone? I know what they want me to do. I know what their solution is and I'm prepared to do it. If there's another way, though, what is it?