AS, how would you like us to help you with this? Your post describes your distress pretty well, but doesn't say what you are looking for from us. Do you just want to know that someone can understand? Are you hoping for some strategies or solutions?

When you dissociate, do you know how long you stay in that state? A lot of us use that method of temporarily escaping from our problems, or from situations that scare us. Speaking for myself, I'm generally comfortable when I'm dissociating. I have done it all my life and it is familiar. It's hard work to notice when I'm there and do anything about it. My T asked me to practice looking at what triggers my dissociation, or in other words, what I am afraid of when I dissociate. Sometimes it's not so easy to figure out. Maybe you could try that too. Do you know what you are afraid of? It might not be what you think at first.

Rap