Hi there,

I don't think you're being selfish. It sounds like you really love your father and you're really worried about him. It's normal to look for a safe place when you are really worried. It's understandable that you would see an ex as a safe place. Don't beat yourself up about that.

I guess if I were you I would ask myself what I was really looking for in my ex right in this moment that I'm wanting him back. Am I looking for a safe place? Something familiar? A break from reality? Security?

What's important right now is you. Your heart. You can't deal with anything in your life, be it a stressed out mother or a missing father or your feelings about an ex, until your own heart is ok. That's not being selfish. That's just the truth.

The good news is that you're ok. Even with a missing father. Even though you're stressed to the max and dealing with stuff. Even though you're in crisis. You're ok. You were born ok, and you'll be ok every single day of your life. You will be ok no matter what happens with your father. You will be ok no matter what. You are stronger than you know, and you are stronger than you feel right now.

You probably don't feel ok, though, obviously from your post you don't feel ok at all. When I was at a very horrible place and I didn't think I could make it, I started praying. I'm not even religious per se. But it was the only thing I could think of to do and it worked. "God please save my heart from uncertainty." "God please save my heart from loneliness" "God please save my heart from anxiety" I just repeated it over and over. I wasn't doing anything but freaking out anyway so I had time on my hands, and it really did work.

There's a trick I use sometimes when I'm scared that works incredibly well. I learned it when my claustrophobic grandma chilled out on a train once we gave her an older lady to take care of. The trick is that when you need to be brave for someone else, you get a million times braver.

You said your sister is dealing with her own stuff and she is taking care of you. Don't feel bad about that. Being strong for others and taking care of others activates something inside us that makes us braver and stronger.

Perhaps you can think about yourself being strong for your father. Be brave for him. Be by his side in your heart even though you don't know where he is physically. Stand by him emotionally, mentally. Be brave for him no matter what comes his way. It will wake your heart up. It will activate the hero in you.

Please reach out to me if there's anything I can do. Keep heart.