Monday's 9/28 session:
I walked to your office, thinking, and wanting to cry about the concept of “please let me come home”. I kept trying to ask this voice, this thought who it was, who to come home, where is home. I didn’t get answers, just a feeling to beg you to let me come home. I got to the office with 10 mins to spare. I used the restroom then went and pushed the button. I sat in the waiting area trying to figure out what to pull out from my bag and what to leave in my bag. Your door opened and I heard the thank you’s of previous person and that person left. I am not jealous of other clients. Curious about them, why they are there, what is their story that type of thing but not jealous that they see you or you see them; which is pretty weird given how I was feeling overall?

You came out and lead us back. You are wearing glasses and boots – difference. You were saying something as I came in the room but I don’t recall. I sat down on the couch, you closed the door, and went to sit in the different chair. I looked at you and made the comment about you sitting in the other chair. You said something in agreement and asked if it was ok or if I wanted you to move back or something along those lines. I slipped onto the floor saying something about me sitting down here. You made some comment and then asked if I wanted you to sit on the floor (or maybe you just asked where I wanted you).

I paused for a moment, looking at the ground, thinking "I want to come home", "I love you", "See, you are not different", “you read to me".

Unsure, I told you that I would prefer it if you sat on the floor. You sat on the floor. I pulled out blanket and lost the book. You responded to me pulling out the blanket but I don’t remember exactly what you said/did. I looked for the book. I felt foolish, how could I lose a book that was just there. After shaking out the blanket and looking all around me, I even asked you if saw it; I found it in a zippered part of my bag. I pulled it out of my bag, then I unfolded the blanket, and laid it over my legs. I had gotten the blanket dirty looking for the book because my shoes were dirty. I picked at the dirt trying to brush it off. I held the book looking at it (Harold and the Purple Crayon https://www.youtube.com/watch? v=L5sJ97Hp46A). After a few moments, I asked you if you knew this book. You nodded yes. You asked me what I knew about it. I said I read it. I said that it was one of grandson’s books. You asked me if I read it as a kid, I said that I didn’t think so. I didn't know it when I read it to grandson. I asked you if it was even around when I was a kid. I flipped a bit at the pages to see copyright date but then closed the book. [Copyright date is 1955]. I asked you if you would read it to me. You said yes and I handed you the book. You asked if it would be ok if you sat next to me because it would be easier to look at the pictures. I said yes. You moved next to me and read the cover. You opened the book a few pages and then smelled it. Then you began reading it. Shortly into the reading, I scrunched down and rested my head on the side of the couch. Later, I closed my eyes, I wanted to just listen to your voice, but then I thought that might be rude so I opened my eyes again.

At one point, while reading you asked me what I thought he was drawing. I didn't say anything aloud but giraffe is what screamed in my head. I was wrong, it was a moose. I don't remember what you guessed. I should have remembered what it was I just reread it the day before when I put it in my bag. You finished the book. I sat there for a bit, then I reached for the book. I flipped through the pages to where he had drawn lots of buildings and windows. I said he was looking for home. I told you that when I read the book last week and saw this section a voice said home (or maybe I want to feel home or maybe it was just a longing of being home at that time). I went on to tell you that today, as the day progressed I got more anxious and nervous about coming here today. I said that I was scared you'd be different. You said, and look I was with different/new glasses. I said and you sat in the different chair. You asked me how I felt about that (somewhere in here you had moved to where you were sitting facing me rather than next to me). I thought - it wasn't really what I meant by you being different but maybe it did play into my hesitation at the beginning of session. I said I don't know, shrug.

I told about how later in the day I thought/felt about wanting to come home. "Please, can I come home?" You asked me if I knew where the voice was coming from, I said I don't know. You asked me what home was. Home. Don’t know.
Intellectually, it seems like it might be the little boy wanting to come back, back to you, the office, my heart, me? I told you that I've had a hard time feeling/holding onto the little boy.

I returned to the ‘you being different’ concept and said replace me. More was said here, I’d look at you and away from you. I don’t remember what was said here. I think it was in here that I blurted out an ‘I love you’. You said I know. I wanted to say sorry for blurting it out. I didn't.

I didn’t like how I was feeling, so I moved the topic to talking about praise. I said personal trainer, you didn’t catch what I said because I had turned to get my journal. I pulled out my journal and turned back to you and I told you personal trainer’s reply to my results … I read her comments. I said that personal trainer calls me an athlete. I say I don’t believe her. You said something about blowing smoke up my *** (I think you used that word. I was taken back by that word – it bothered me in that, we’re not supposed to use that word young way. Not that it was you that said it way.) I said that I just thought she was being nice. You said something about me thinking that it is just her job. I think it was this that started me to distance and disconnect a little. I am not an athlete, I am clumsy, uncoordinated, unskilled, poor muscle awareness/body awareness. I want to be good. I try hard. I am competitive. I work at things. I am fat.

We talked about me and celebrations. I said that I do the touchdown, 40 secs to the next play. You said no end zone celebration. Said I ruin it, I said… there was more said here… I was looking away. I was not talking. I don’t remember what was going on in my head, bad(?), mess things up… You said something about hard to talk about, I think I nodded my head. Then I looked at the stuff on your shelves. I looked all over the stuff on your shelves. You said, Hey Elio. I looked back at you, did I ask what? You repeated it. I said remember I wrote about your stuff on the shelves, don't touch will break things. Somewhere in here you asked/I said that I wanted to feel what it was to have warm feelings from praise.

Somehow, we transitioned to the next topic and I showed you the book that I read to wife. We talked briefly about it. You wanted me to talk more about it. I checked my watch and I wanted to talk about one other thing so I told you that I didn't want to at this time. I did share with you the loops and z pattern stuff and that I am glad that we don't strictly follow that methodology. You asked if there was anything in there I wished we'd do. I said no, that I like the way we do it. I told you about the asking the part to step aside to put the self out. I said I didn't like that. I like to let the part run the show to see fully what it is trying to say, want, need - let me feel it and gain an understanding about it rather than to push it aside to let the self.

I thought about the bracelet and wanted to ask to hold/look at yours. I pulled out the widget, the clip, talisman, touchstones... I showed you the chain it was on. I told you about pulling the chain out of this container that holds lots of stuff, and that I thought it had this other object but it wasn't there so I looked in one other spot and it was there. I told you about noticing your bracelet early on because of having, and I pulled out my bracelet and handed it to you. I told you that I had it from before I met wife and I hadn't worn it for a long time. I told you that I wore it through the weekend. You said something about connection. I said that I could look at it and imagine yours, seeing yours on your wrist and it gave me a warm feeling.

Our time was up. I commented that we were almost out of time. I asked you if there was anything you wanted to talk about. You thought for a moment and then brought up that starting in Oct you'll be opening your private practice up to appointments on Tuesday. That you wanted me to know in case I wanted to switch to Tues - Thursday. I didn't respond very much to this information. I just said something to affirm that I received the information, like ok.

We then sat up from the floor and sat to do the closing. I started with the "I love you". You said I know. I said something. You replied. I paused, you said thank you for being you. I said thank you for being you. You said you are welcome. I got up to leave. You commented about the hours, and doing time math. I said it would be 73 hours, then corrected myself to 72 hours. You said ah yes, back to regular schedule. One last see you Thursday/thank you and I left.

When I left, I got out to the street and I put the bracelet back on. I thought that those 4 walls are home, they are the only place I can be me, where I'm allowed to exist. I didn't want to leave, I didn't want to be a grown up again. I felt like I was having to put on a mask, an Elio suit of behaviors... be the adult, do the needful - the thoughts of what is right and wrong went through my head, do this/don't do that. I started to get angry with you because I had to leave. You didn't kick me out and for me I left pretty close to on time. It was only 53 after the hour when I headed up the stairs. Yeah me??!!

I stopped at store and got some chicken, mac and cheese, and pineapple. This was a second dinner as I had eaten one before I went to session. Then I stopped at the library to return the book. I looked through the books and picked out 2 books. I returned to work where I took the bracelet off and threw it in my bag. I was angry, stupid bracelet, stupid you, stupid caring/wanting. You can't keep me, I know this. I can't stay in those 4 walls.