Darling boy,

I began finding pleasure with other boys at the age of five. In the summer of my eighth year I found my way (clumsily) into a vagina (rather than my usual oral/**** entry with boys) and I delighted in my older cousin’s mastery of sharing his salt seed with me.

I answer ‘bisexual’ on census forms but, um, I don’t really fit into the LBGTQ spectrum unless I answer ‘yes’ to all.

My suggestion, then, is to say that you may be like me - agelessly polymorphously perverse - and the only thing that may prove difficult in life is finding other adventurers.

There’s nothing wrong with sexual pleasure. And I think that, instead of asking ‘what is my sexuality,’ you should ask, ‘who am I sexually?’ Anything else is a puritanical label.

Good luck.