That's what they say I have. I personally think it's more or less emotional regulation disorder, more commonly known as BPD. I get very intense emotions that are hard to deal with sometimes. If they are negative emotions, like anger, sadness or distress, I turn the emotions inward and take them out on myself. I don't SI, per say, except that one time and that was in a fit of sheer defiance, so I don't think it counted. I usually just think violent and negative thoughts, usually directed at myself.

However, let's get back to the topic at hand, which is my father and his anger management issues, both past and present. I made this thread as an outlet for my fears and strong emotions so I wouldn't take them out on myself. All I wanted was sympathy and understanding. I got some constructive critism, which was helpful, don't get me wrong, and I also got some accusations thrown my way including having a victim mentality, having an "answer for everything" and "we don't know your dx so we don't know how to better help you". What does my dx have to do with being afraid of my father and his rage exactly?

I know I have a "sickness of the brain", as my father calls it, which immediately conjures up a mental image of a discolored, and rather inflamed brain for me, but in fact, it's all a product of both inheriting my father's quick temper and my inability to regulate strong emotions. I'm not using this as an excuse, rather building a background or foundation for you all to better understand me from.

Now, I'm seriously considering undertaking DBT, to help with my mood regulations, and I'm currently also taking Yoga to learn how to calm and center my mind. I'm not just sitting around complaining about everything in my life and doing absolutely nothing about it.

I've also looked up assisted housing for the mentally ill, and found some good information. I did that almost immediately after the fight my dad had with me. However, thinking about being on my own scares me to death because I have a poor short term memory. I don't know if it's because of the meds I take, or just the way my brain is, but if I can't remember to do certain tasks, like pay the rent on time, how can I possibly function on my own? I know it's a cheap cop out, I really do, but having anxiety like this is a strong deterrent for me.

My mother said that there is a strong possibility that she might move out, she's that unhappy. If so, I'll move in with her, look to see if where she plans on living is any closer to a bus stop than where we currently live, and if it's feasible to walk to one regularly from the new place, I'll look for a job as close to the bus's route as I can. If I can get said job, I can then focus on that housing situation and finally brave moving out to live on my own.

I know it's not what folks want to hear, but it's the best I can come up with for myself without driving myself crazy with anxiety. I'll also run it through with my Pdoc next time I see them. I'm hoping it's soon. I have the appointment written down on a card but I think I might left the card in a pocket or something and it ran through the wash. It should be coming up soon. It's been 4 months since I saw them last.

Anyways, I hope this is a more suffice answer than those I have been giving. I am exhausted physically, mentally, and emotionally these days so I apologize if I've not been as accommodating as I could have been.