Yesterday's session with T, have MC tonight.

In and down the stairs, pushed the button. I sat down and looked at my phone. You came out to get me just a few moments. We went back to the room and I saw the boxes of books. As we entered, I asked you if those were your books and you said that they were (one was labelled children or kids but the books in it did not look like kid books). I commented on you needing the 3 book shelves and you said that you had more shelves if you needed them. We got sat down and I took a breath centering myself. It felt good, relaxed, welcoming, warm. I asked you how you were doing. You said good. You asked how I was doing. I’m not sure I answered your question. I said I wanted to play today. You said something like great, let’s play – or some other positive encouraging statement. I had brought a variety of things to do.

I pulled out my phones to set them aside. You asked if I had music. I said no, that I could pull up something on my phone but I didn't have music. You commented about me pulling out my phones and thinking that meant I had music. Nah, they were just in the pile and needed to move them.

I pulled out the cars and showed you them. I emptied my back with the rest of the stuff and moved to the floor. I laid down on my belly. We played with the cars for a while. I smiled and laughed as we pushed them back and forth. I did wheelies and we played around with the pushing it forward or backwards. At one point one of them went under the couch and I had to fetch it. I crawled under the end table. I felt young, I was worried that I would knock something over. I didn’t and that felt good. I tried to use the other things I brought as a ramp, after several trials we were able to get the stuff to work as a ramp.

While playing, I brought up the idea that I can only play with you, be me while inside these 4 walls. You asked if I could play at home when I am home alone. I said no because I have to be something different. More small talk about the playing. Then I said that I had wanted to talk about touch and I asked you if you’d made a decision. You said that you were on the cusp of making one and felt that you’d would have an answer next week. You asked if that would be ok. I said yes. I said that we had not come up with a way we’d deal with it so I asked. You agreed. Then, you said that it would be hard regardless of answer and I agreed. We returned to playing for a little while.

I brought up being sick and you asked me about it. You said several supportive statements and advice, drink fluids, rest, wishing you had a magic wand to make it go away. I thought hell if you had a magic wand, a little sickness is last thing I’d be pushing to be fixed. Let’s just jump past all this work stuff and magic wand it all better.

I brought up my concerns with couple’s counseling – mostly around not knowing what was going to be brought up by wife and how I am letting her take the lead on topics because of feeling the need that she is ready to talk about something before I can share my thoughts on the topic. I don't feel that she is open to hearing what I have to say at this time.

I think we moved to coloring around here. We looked through the sheets and I told you about Skylander or really my lack of knowledge around it. I found us a page to color and pulled it out. You asked if we were to both color on the same sheet or have separate sheets. I said whichever, I’d prefer it if we both drew on one page if that was ok with you and you said it was. When I bought the coloring sheets, I imagined us coloring on the same sheet. I am glad you agreed to color on the same picture as me.

I returned to laying on my stomach. I think you laid on your stomach too. I had color pencils and crayons. You asked me if there were any colors I disliked. I jokingly said to guess. You said you knew I liked blue but never asked colors I disliked. I’m like… umm pink of course… I’m a boy. LOL. I told you that I don’t care for pink or red, that I love burnt umber. You colored with the color pencils and I colored with the crayons.

While coloring, I brought up what I wrote about having you say the words "I love you" as part of a book you were reading to me. I said that the stories meant more to me than just stories but I couldn't remember the word I used in my writing. It was important to me to find this word because I thought it explained it so much better, so I stopped coloring and pulled out my journal. I read to you what I had written - about identifying with the story and the words become part of the process of experiencing the story. You listened and did help me try to find the word before I pulled out my journal. You didn't answer my question about how you'd feel reading the words, if you separate them out, and it being ok if we experience it differently. I read to you the part about sharing the information with you in the journal so you'd be ready for me when I brought it up but then I just brought it up. You asked me how I felt about just bringing it up. I think I just shrugged at this. You said something about a part of me wanting to talk about it.. (or something like that). I think I just shrugged at that too. However, I had brought in the one book with the last line being about loving the child just for who the child is. I want you to read me that book - actually I'd like to have a recording of you reading me that book, and I want the words to be what is in that story. I want to believe it is true, that I can be loved like that, loved for just existing, loved for being me.

I told you about being mad after Monday's session and around the news that you'd be expanding to include Tuesdays. How for some reason hearing that lead me to feeling that you didn't want to see me on Monday's anymore and how that seemed personal even though I knew that if that was even true it wasn't personal. If you wanted me to move from Monday to Tuesday it would be because of something else going on in your life and not that you didn't want to see me on Monday's... I also expressed how I was confused about why seeing me on Monday's meant something more to me - that ... dang I don't feel I am saying this very well. There is just something about 'not seeing me on Monday's anymore' that is specific; like seeing me on Monday has more value than seeing me on Tuesday. It doesn't make sense to me. Maybe it is just that I've come to see that Monday at 4pm as our time and even though a move would still give me an hour of your time, it is not during the "our time" and maybe something about you not seeing it as special as I see it. I don't know.

I told you that I thought about just adding Tuesdays to the mix, so seeing you 3x a week. I said I didn't need to see you 3x week. I said that it would be just because I want more of you. I'm not sure if I said more of this [the safety of the room]. You said something about maybe wanting was enough and not needing to have it to get it. You reiterated that I wanted more of you and added that I wanted more time to be me. I don't think I responded to this. I don't know if this was when I just laid on the floor resting my head on my arm. When I did this, I was so tired.

Throughout this period of time we made comments about the coloring. You liked how I was doing the flames on my tire and said something of trying to copy it. I said that I thought I messed up this one area and didn't like how it was looking but that I liked this area. You said that you liked that too and how I did these other lines to give it texture. I looked up at what you had been doing for the first time and saw your grill. I said – wow that is cool. I am not usually...I don't usually do positive compliments like that without pointing a negative item. It felt good to just say the positive, surprising how it came out, with enthusiasm and exclamation - or so it seemed from my side. Did it come out that way? Did it feel positive and genuine? It was genuine and spontaneous. At another time, you commented about not liking how your flames were turning out...and you said oh well that's how they are and continued working on them.

I pulled out the Art book. I read the story to you. You stopped me before I got started to smell the book. You thought it smelled interesting and asked me about smelling it and then said that I couldn't because of being congested. (I had sniffled all through the session. Really added to the little kid feeling.) I held the book so you could see it and it was upside down. Early in the reading you commented that the book was about a boy doing art and we were doing art. You liked the ending, so did I. (). You could have read that one to me because the usage of love was third person and object. Mother loves Art. That isn't an 'I love you' statement and as the book shows; Art and art have different meanings. I liked reading the book to you. I still felt young and like I was reading it to a parent. I didn't feel like I took on a parent role or even an equals role; even though I was showing more reading skill for the age I was feeling. Even when I tried to interact with you during the reading it felt like I was doing it to imitate what you've done with me; like I am learning from you what I should be doing or how it should be done. It felt good.

My watch had gone off while reading the book. I started to pick up the crayons and you said something about time to go (or I said it first and you agreed). You asked me if there was any particular order and I said not anymore as I was shoving the crayons back in the box. I wonder if that surprised you, that I wasn't insistent on them being in an order given my preference for order and structure. I don't have the desire to go and "fix" the crayons, though I might the next time I go to use the colored pencils arrange them more orderly.

You had stacked everything very neatly to go back in my bag and I said that I needed to start with what was on the bottom. I then basically rebuilt the pile exactly how you had it on the floor in the bag. I might had been able to just slide the pile in, I didn't think about doing that until I had already disassembled your pile and put the coloring pages in first.

I told you that I had wanted to wear pj bottoms to session today (pj party) but that they didn't make fun patterns for adults and I had gained too much weight to fit into the kids pants but that I still bought a pair. I said that I could still fit into them but they were very tight and that I could only fit into them because of stretchy material. You said that maybe that was how they were supposed to fit. I don't think so.. . I told you that plus the adults are too long. You said need them hemmed. I showed you the pj's I had bought. I don't remember you commenting on them. I packed them away.

I said I don’t want to go. You said I know. I said I have to go (or will go). Pause. I said I love you. You said I know. I was tearing up, I didn't cry though. I said, think of me this weekend. You said you do. [this felt good because you said that you do, rather than you will]. Pushing myself, I got up to leave. There were comments of see you Monday, thank yous....out the door and more leaving comments.

I thought I would cry as I left and I might have cried when I got to the car but I saw how the parking was and that helped ground me back in reality as I needed lots of focus to get out of your parking lot. I felt good about the "I do" verse "I will" statement from you.