You want to go back to him because you think you still love him and sometimes we want to go back to what we know and think we deserve. Being with someone that manipulative is definitely not healthy for your mental health. You are not a bad person and the fact he called you a cuss word is a big indication of his own character. Listen to your friends, family and mental health team. Stay strong and start to rebuild your self esteem. If you feel you want to go back to him, remind yourself of the damage he has done to you. You deserve better!