AKA psychogenic non-epileptic seizures.

I had my first seizure at work in October 2016. I woke up to paramedics around me and nervous coworkers. I spent a couple days in the hospital and had a battery of tests that showed nothing. Well, nothing to indicate seizures, I do have a spot of atrophy or damaged brain or something from long ago and far away events which is interesting.

These seizures kept happening maybe once a month, then once every few weeks, then by June/July one at least every week. I banged my head during at least half of them, needed sutures in my forehead once.

In August I was admitted to the seizure observation unit. They hooked up 27 electrodes to my head and pointed a video camera at me in my room. It took a few days for me to have a seizure for them, but finally I did.

The EEG showed no abnormal activity whatsoever. So the diagnosis; psychogenic non-epileptic seizures. They explained that people who experience these often have a history of trauma (me!!)

I wish it was true epilepsy, that can be treated and life goes on. This though? They can't even say exactly it is that I need to change about my behavior or coping strategies or anything to make them stop. It's so vague.

I feel like this is yet another way that my brain is working to sabotage me. My manipulative, atypical brain.

I feel like I might never be able to do so many things if I can't get this under control. Travel Europe, have/raise kids, have different careers.

I dunno.

I thought I knew what my different mental illnesses meant for my life, but now new stuff. What more will I loose??

I guess I'm really into a self pity spiral right now, but seriously, why me??

Why always me??

What the hell?