does anybody else do that thing - i don't know if it's called magical thinking or what - where you're afraid of feeling happy because if you let yourself, it will cause something bad to happen? That's what's happening in my head right now. I've been letting myself feel happy since my girl's weekend last month, and my marriage has been good too, but in the past two or three days I've become very wary of that happiness, feeling like allowing myself to be happy is asking for something bad to happen, will cause something bad to happen, and now it seems it has, my h is out of town but I talked to him earlier and he didn't sleep well last night because he played poker so badly with his friends his memory is not what it used to be and then he was nauseous and sick and other gross things and is talking like his time left on earth is short and he's glad he's with his longtime friends right now so he can tell them goodbye and all that and I know he has a tendency toward hypochondria, but this isn't that, I've never heard him being so fatalistic before, and it scares the hell out of me, and I sit here and my mind runs away with me and tells me that it's all my fault for letting myself be happy, i hate my brain and i need my t and and and. Breathe, Karen. Breathe. He's a big boy, he can find a doctor where he is if he feels that bad, it's probably just a stomach bug and nothing more, and he's just tired....

(I still want my t. Because what if he's right and it is something serious wrong with him? I'm not strong enough to handle this.)