I am struggling right now. I can't cope with my emotions much longer. I am feeling a lot of anger, fear, and loneliness.

To start with, my step father, the only family member that I had left which I felt close to, passed away last week. I have a thread about this in the grief forum. I am also moving out to a new apartment that I am fully paying for on my own for the first time soon. The current apartment that I am staying in was being payed for by grant that I was on for youths ages 16-25 with mental health issues that made under $16,000 per year. The grant wears off next month, which means that I will be fully responsible for my own living expenses for the first time in my life. I am also a full time college student and an employee now, when I couldn't even find and hold down a job 6 months ago.

Everything is so new to me and I am terrified. I am scared of screwing up because I know that I have nobody to help me anymore if I lose everything. My step father is gone and I have no family left aside from a homeless uncle and a cousin that's in prison. I have nobody else left to bail me out of my screw ups and I have nobody to talk to aside from people on this forum when I'm lonely or hurting. I am also afraid of doing bad in school and losing my work study job and grant disbursements that I am dependent on to pay my living expenses. I know that it would be extremely difficult for me to find another job if I lost this one because I still struggle with job interviewing and what not and I know that if my survival became threatened, I would become emotionally unstable like what always happens to me when I am put under a lot of stress and become reckless (having the warrior gene can be a curse sometimes).

I don't know how much longer I can hold out. I am scared of losing everything that I've worked so hard for up to this point. I have already started falling behind in my studies and had to drop a class. Right now, I can't even do a basic HTML and CSS class right, despite normally being adept with technology related stuff because I am so emotionally overwhelmed. I haven't been studying enough at home because I am so desperate to escape from how much that I'm hurting that I have been binge watching anime and gaming when I'm at home and not sleeping instead of studying and taking care of myself. I have been living off of Monster energy drinks all week and drinking coffee by the pot because caffeine helps me escape from feeling sad and hopeless for a time.

I can't take the pain anymore. I am sick of hurting. If I will hurt like this for a long time, than I want out of life. I have this grand idea of having myself cyropreserved so that maybe I can be revived one day when life isn't so painful. I have had thoughts of scamming some big corporations to pay the hefty cyropreservation bill and then killing myself so that I can hopefully be revived one day when humanity evolves somehow and life is less painful and overwhelming. I have all of these grand ideas of future science and technology fixing humanities problems and enhancing people's quality of life which have been the only reason why I have cared enough about life to keep fighting. I am at the point now though to where I'm ready to accept that I'm not good enough to make an impact on the world because I am so emotionally fragile due to the hell I've been through and by the time I can improve my emotional state (if such a thing is possible), I will be too old and people won't care about me anymore. Plus, if reviving cyropreserved people isn't possible in the future, than I recon that being dead would be better than hurting the way I am.

And no, I am not going to do anything crazy yet. This post is more of a pathetic cry for help than anything. Still though, I do entertain such thoughts.