I had my second session with new t this week after having terminating with ex t the week before.
I wasn't really in the right frame of mind from the start because I had just finished my yearly work appraisal meeting 10 mins before session started. Work parts and trauma parts are worlds apart. I wasn't in "therapy mind".
I asked new t about her handover meeting with ex t last week and asked what ex t shared with her. New T told me the expected general things. I talked about how it made me nervous because of my amnesia I don't know what parts have told ex t, and therefore don't know what ex t told new t. So I don't know what new t knows about me, only that she knows stuff about me that I don't know. I don't like that.

I couldn't get grounded in new ts room. It was so unfamiliar, she is still so unfamiliar and I don't know her or trust her. I don't even know if I like her. The internal conflict was pretty overwhelming. Some parts want to force a connection with her because we do need her help, but other parts don't even want to be there and want nothing to do with her. But there is pressure from within to make a connection with her because the things we need to deal with are urgent and present and traumatic and she is our only hope of help?? I mentioned the pressure from family (abusers) and how triggered we were this week because of them. But I kept switching between parts that are triggered and want to connect for support and parts that deny all abuse and even the DID. I don't think any part was able to stay on topic for long. There were a couple times where different parts were switching back and forth every few seconds. Everything said was so opposite and contradictory. There were times new T just sat back and looked at us because the switching was so fast she couldn't respond to anything.
A couple times I just said sorry, sorry, I'm usually more coherent than this. I felt so pathetic.

I tried to show her some things, but every time I got them out another part came out and snatched them away. It was ridiculous. I felt like such an incompetent bumbling idiot.
Well before time I was wanting it to be over. I was so frustrated with myself and so confused. Eventually I said its time to go now and we were able to leave.

I see her again next week. Then I might take a couple weeks off.
But see the problem with that is some parts of me are too terrified of that because what if the family gets us and we have no-one for support or help?? And on the other side of the argument other parts are like but we just want to chill out and not deal with this stuff. Just focus on real world problems.
I think obviously those ones are not the ones who deal with family, who ARE a very real-world problem!!