You cannot look at it that way. You need to look at it as a learning opportunity. If you come at it that way you are less likely to mess up. A few years ago I had a test that was important for my career. The pressure was intense. I could lose everything if I failed. But I decided I would take the test looking it as a practice run. And that helped me to be calm and I did pass the test.

Right now is the most painful part of your life. But as things go on they will get better. You will make friends, you will get better jobs. I know because it happened to me. My family was there but I absolutely would not ask them for help. Frankly they wouldn't give it to me. It was a bad time in my 20s and 30s but I have recovered nicely.

Take one day at a time.

Also, seriously you are a great writer and you should consider opening a go fund me thing and just honestly state how desperate things are for you. If you think people won't give, your wrong. I have seen people get money for things like "help me harass my ex-girlfiend". You have nothing to lose.