I really don't know where to start. I am a 22 yo woman from Europe. My family is of a "working poor" social status and our country is a difficult one to live in. I suffer from several metabolic disorders such as congenital hypothyroidism and adrenal hyperplasia, which went unnoticed for almost 11 years of my life, therefore I struggle with many visual-motor deficits, learning disorders and some autistic symptoms despite taking high dose meds, but I don't get any help with it and never did. I work in a huge warehouse and I'm much overqualified for this job, still I barely managed to finish high school. I mean, I was a twice exceptional student: I was gifted in many areas, but my visual deficits are strong and I failed this one final exam that is required to go to university: failed it 5 times actually and there is nothing that can be done because my country doesn't offer any other version or additional help for students like me. My wage is not that bad, I mean it's higher than this of some medical workers, but it's not enough here to make an independent living, I mean renting a flat on my own at the moment: however, I save money for my own apartment, but it's gonna take me like 7 or 8 more years or so. I rent a 39m square flat with my parents, because they don't have their own house either.

I was raised in a very disturbed household with my aggressive, autistic grandfather, sick passive grandmother who recently died, alcoholic, often dangerous uncles with exhibitionistic tendencies: generally speaking, it wasn't nice. I never had any privacy until age 15 I think when we came back from one year of emigration and rent this flat. On the other hand, there was my mother's house with her alcoholic father and controlling, co dependent mother; I wasn't safe in either of these enviroments, but that's not the point. At this point in my life I went no contact with any members of my family apart from my parents. My autistic grandfather hates me and says I don't exist, my other one doesn't even know how old I am and never bothered and his wife always hated me for being the way I am and couldn't stand me even when I was a kid. Throughout my life I struggled with social skills a lot and literally had to consciously learn it, but before that I was bullied a lot: it was both physical aggression and psychological one. I was often attacked for my "coldness", "lack of empathy" etc etc. But I'm better know since, as I said, I acquired some skills. I was never in a relationship and my CAH doesn't help (I'm infertile and have third level male sexual characteristics.

My relationship with my father is quite okay, because we're very similiar: have similiar sense of humour, thinking styles, he's very logical and systemizing in thinking just as I am. We both don't deal with emotions very well. I just know how to deal with him. The problem is my mother.

Basically, she is a 5 year old in an adult body. She has admitted that the only reason she had a child was to get out of her family house and that she wasn't informing my father about not using contraception just to "catch" him. Not in these words exactly, but similiar and she won't deny it when I say it. For her, having a child was a tool to "feel less lonely". That's what she told me about her idea of having children. She is enraged with me, jealous of me, she hates me because I haven't become what she wanted me to become. She wanted someone to pour her emotions into and she got me: a very private, distanced, even cold, person. She cannot properly care for her own needs, so she never cared for mine. She relies strongly on my father to do anything for her, to decide for her. She works in a job she hates and where they treat her badly, but she is reluctant to change and went straight back to it after she tried something easier and better. She hates her role as a wife, does everything with dissatisfaction and often throws temper tantrums. She shouts at my father for not "providing her a vacation" "giving her more money", "making her not having to go to work" etc. And my father is very dominant and driven by guilt, he has the need to control and fix everything. He cares for her just as he had to care for his mother. My mother is only about her needs and desires, she doesn't respect people's privacy and their boundaries, she will cross it only to feel good.

She never did anything to help me as a kid with my struggles and it was always about her. When I was 9 and said I wanted to die, she sat by me and told me how awful her childhood has been and I have nothing to be sad about comparing to her. She was throwing her classical "I've sacrificed my life for you" tantrums. She made me give away my stuff to other kids, even though I didn't want to. When a strange girl came up to her while we were on a walk when I was about 6 and told her she wants my bike, she gave it to her. Even though I was obsessed with order, she let her brother's kid touch all my stuff, ruin my toys etc. She told me to kiss small boys because "it seemed lovely" and one of them has bitten me and punched me and she laughed. When I was teased and called names by one of the girls and reacted in the same ways and her parents called her, she shouted at me. She didn't care about my health properly. The toys I had were of more fun to her than me and I remember being small and literally having nightmares about her because to me she seemed unpredictable and I was scared she might do something bad to herself.

Whenever we were going a vacation, she had to make herself a centre of attention, throw some tantrum, run away, start a conflict, whatever.

When I was a victim of nationality racism at a school abroad and was bullied by many people, she did nothing. And sometimes just added to that, like calling me "a ****ing cow" once in an argument (my body couldn't take the stress back then I was having a thyroid crisis during that time).

High school was a huge stress for me. My learning disorders were affecting me strongly and it was hard to me to cope with frustration of falling behind everyone. At the same time, my results and symptoms were bad. I had to take chemotherapy for curing my skin disease, I had many awful side effects. My hormones were also all messed up back then I was experimenting with psychotropic drugs which made me even more messed up and almost manic (I don't take any since 2014, happily) and I begun to struggle with many behavioural issues. And I still had to go to school with all of these and didn't have any support. Her way of dealing with me was, of course, to shout at me, manipulate me, threaten me and going to my teachers and tell them to "keep me on a tight rein".

After finishing high school, I started working. First it was a retail work, then my current job in a very structured, corporate enviroment. My health got better, my looks came back to a state from before my thyroid crisis, but I still struggle with many symptoms from long term levothyroxine usage. My current job is extremely demanding, both physically and mentally. You stand for many hours and the targets are so high it's easy to damage your muscles etc. I get up before 3 in the morning because it takes me 1,5 hour to get there for my shift and we often work even up to 8 days in a row (and then, for example, u get one day off and another 6 days of work). The enviroment is tough, with lots of manipulation and control. Ever heard of Amazon? It's something of that kind. There are barely any different jobs in my area.

I've been there for almost a year and a half and I'm getting extremely fed up. To work there, you must give up your private life and sacrifice yourself for the company. Apart from thyroid and adrenal symptoms, I get asthma and muscle issues. But I haven't saved enough money to let go. The situation in the company gets tougher and tougher and less comfortable for us.

I was very upset recently. My father said that perhaps I should quit. He himself tried a lot of jobs in his life, currently he's on a disability because of his damaged spine and my mother hates him and attacks him for the fact he can't take physical job and "work as hard as she does". And my mother went nuts.

She told me I'm stupid for complaining about this job and that I could work even 12 hours 10 days straight and it still wouldn't be bad. Because SHE WAS WORKING HARD HER WHOLE LIFE. And she wishes me the same. No fun, just work work work. Then she tried threating me "if you leave this work, I'm gonna..." but she couldn't really come up with any ideas apart from taking more money from me for the bills which I can afford. She gets so pathetic she even reminds me of the cigarettes I took from her and didn't gave her back and how it ruins her finances (she cannot save money and it terrible at this stuff). My dad told me that he gets me, that I'm just 22 and he wouldn't want to spend his whole time at work at this age, but she quickly started getting jealous and turning him against me.

Then she started crying and complaining about her work and that he doesn't care for her career and how hard she has to work there. She's 50 and already had her time to decide what she wants to do. And, again, she made it all about her and how miserable her life is. She is giving us a silent treatment again and my father starts turning himself against me. In a previous argument two weeks ago she actually screamed at him "go talk to your daughter, not me! she's better!".

And I've actually learned how to be completely cold about it and don't engage in it much and set boundaries but there always comes a time when I just can't anymore and get enraged with her and start shouting at her. And she can feel like a victim which is perfect for her. I treat her like a person who just shares an apartment with me, no emotional attachment, but living on a such small area together, it just sometimes annoys the s.hit out of me.

Oh and also, she developed alopecia areata recently and while she never reacted to my illness or the fact that I am infertile etc, now she keeps blaming everyone and acting like it's our fault because "we make her stressed".

I really don't want to become like her, but living with her is affecting me and not helping me with my not so great social skills. I'm a very logical, rational person, but sometimes I catch myself falling too quickly for someone who's been nice to me and kind of wanting that person to "take care of me" but i try not to act on it. I also lack attention and having a functional relationship with someone.

Any advice?