This is just my limited perspective, experience and observation, but ...

it seems to me that people are generally more in danger of erring on the side of hardness than on the side of compassion.

it seems to me that much damage is wrought by disparaging genuine loving supportiveness by the taint of the suggestion of "enabling", and what is erected in its place smacks of hard-heartedness. much abusiveness is passed off and self-justified as so-called "tough love". there is a such thing as genuine "tough love", yes, and there is the need for balance and boundaries -- none of us can be everything to someone else, none of us can take on responsibility for "fixing" someone else -- but we are rarely in danger of erring on the side of being too soft and showing too much compassion, understanding or respect for another. what generally results is we are too quick to excuse ourselves from making the effort when it becomes difficult for us, too quick to dump blame on their heads for things they cannot control because WE cannot MAKE them control those things either, and too quick to justify ourselves and brush off our hands in smug, self-righteous satisfaction that it's not our problem and they needed that kick in the arse or whatever.

making someone feel like crap about something they have no control over is never productive for them. it doesn't give them that control. you can't shame someone into having control over an irrational product of biochemistry (mental illness). taking responsibility is another matter -- but again, you cannot shame someone into responsibility. people tend to take responsibility when they are treated with respect and made to feel valued JUST AS THEY ARE. shaming them is counterproductive to this and only drives them underground or into defiance or into lipservice fake compliance with resentment underneath; it doesn't help them grow as people. and taking responsibility does not mean they now have control. it only means they are doing what they CAN be doing to get better and to grow, and that's all they can do. you can't rip the skin from the snake; you can't demand someone heal or grow or improve themselves on your timetable. if you aren't there to water and nurture, get out.

telling someone they really have control when they don't is never productive for them. it does not magickally give them that control. it is a cruel, sick, abusive self-justification mechanism. if you (not you personally hon, just talking in general!) want to bail on someone, for gods' sakes, bail on them, make it clean, complete and fast. don't hang around dumping your garbage / baggage / sewage on their heads and making things worse for them, making them out to blame because you can't be there.

(all those "YOU"s above are NOT directed at YOU PERSONALLY, just speaking in general as in "any person" -- PLEASE don't take anything as a personal direct aim at you because I said "you"!!! These are my general thoughts and they'd apply to anyone, self included.)