I've been told I have to be out of my house for the entire month of October while they do cleaning and repainting and repairing my floor. I am not at all happy about this. First, I'm not in a good place mentally right now. I only leave my house to go to work, go to therapy, or buy groceries. When I'm at home I spend all of my time in our guest room. I even sleep on the couch in there. I had moved in here months ago as my husband's behavior was escalating. It's about the only place that gives me any comfort right now. The thought of losing my safe space for an entire month is completely overwhelming. I'm not entirely sure I can leave and not have a complete breakdown vs the partial one I'm already having. Second, how am I supposed to figure out what I need and pack for a whole month? I only have a small suitcase and a couple of duffel bags. I have no idea where I'm supposed to go. I haven't called the insurance company yet to see what they'll pay for. They're coming the 2nd to start packing my belongings so I have to figure this out by then.

Basically, October is going to suck for me. In addition to the above, I need to go file for a restraining order, my therapist is taking a week off, and my husband has a court date to either make a plea deal or go to trial. I have no clue where that is headed because no one tells me anything. I'm not allowed to speak to him and I've had no communication from the DA or his defense lawyer.

I also have a friend who wants to come to my city to visit for a weekend in October with his boyfriend and their female friend. I am totally not up for playing drinking buddy/tour guide with these people. I know that if they come they'll want to get the whole story on what happened with my husband and I don't really want to tell the story right now. It's still too raw. It feels like they just want to come watch the train wreck that is my life. He's been asking to come for a visit since shortly after the fire and I keep telling him I'm not up for company. Maybe I should just say "I'm suicidal and I have a plan. I spend hours crying on a regular basis. I cannot deal with company right now." But I have no desire to get that real with anyone other than my therapist right now. And apparently strangers on the internet. I know he thinks he's trying to be supportive, but it's just stressing me out more than I already am.

I have no idea how I'm going to get through October. Sorry about the long post. I needed to vent.