To add, I think the hardest part is remembering things he said when he was around and involved. All these things keep playing through my head over and over again. The biggest ones...

"I love you, (name). And I am not sorry for that."

"If I had anything in the world, life would be the way it is in my dreams. You would be Mrs. (His last name). And we would have a life together"

"Stop. You are already my everything."

All these words, and so many more, I can't stop playing in my head. I wish I could take a magical pill that would make me forget him and all his beautiful, fake words. Later, when I brought up these words, he called me a "court reporter", memorizing his words, holding him to things he said months ago. Heartbreaking to me.