Trigger warnings, please be cautious when reading my messy 14 year old life issues.

I guess i'll start with the beginning.
In my first post, i explained i was taking meds to help me with my depression and anxiety, but also with voices and hallucinations, but my mom took it from me, why? Not exactly sure. Not taking my meds like that had a negative effect on me, stuff i struggle with just crashed into me full force and these issues are stronger than they were, not sure why. My mother is forcing me to get better, "Try harder" "Stop it, you think it's funny?" "You don't need counselling."
My mother is a kind woman, but lately she has been... drinking more, and it has been making her aggressive and cold. I don't blame her, I shouldn't even be this broken for a 14 year old.
I can't go to my father either, the bastard left me when i was born and came back just to leave again. He currently is in jail.. I don't know why i love a man who was never there for me.

Anyways.. The voices and hallucinations are out of my control, i keep having depressive episodes and panic attacks, and what does my mom do? Gets angry at me for being this way, for not getting better. I'm trying, it isn't easy.
I never learned to cope with this stuff, i "suffered" alone and kept it to myself, cause it's the only think i know. She doesn't see that.
She says i'm being stupid, that it isn't real even though she seen how bad my panic attacks are, how bad i am. Yet she isn't taking me to get help.

Time skip to couple days ago.
I was in my room, reading books and calling my girlfriend when i was hit by my PTSD. I got a flashback from when.. I was eight years old.
When i was eight years old.. my innocence was taken from me.
After that flashback, i had a panic attack and couldn't tell the difference between reality and that flashback, i ended up.. trying to take my life.
My older brother found me and got my mom, she was... drunk.
The first thing she does to me is hit me, hard and cold. She has this unreadable look in her eyes as she yelled at me, saying i don't need the help, i'm okay.
She didn't understand when i cried my heart out, telling her what i've been feeling lately.
She didn't even call for help or ask.. she just cleaned my mess and sent me to bed with a threat of sending me away.
She told me that it's just me, that i'm overreacting.

She isn't that kind woman anymore.
She won't take me for help and i have no idea what to do anymore.
I'm trying to cope like she wants me too.
I'm trying to be that perfect daughter she wanted.

I feel like i'm going crazy.