My kitty, Schnookie, of 19 years, died yesterday. She had fallen out of bed probably had a stroke. I took her to the ER hospital and they said she had no fractures but that her heart rate was dangerously low, her blood pressure low, her kidneys doing very poorly. There was nothing they could do. I went home first, waiting for her to be fit in for an ultrasound, and my brother cancelled the rest of his workday to be with me. The ER vet called me and told me that the most humane thing to do would be to euthanize her. I got to spend a good amount of time with her before we did it. She was not the same cat, very lethargic and couldn't sit properly, I think because she couldn't feel one of her legs.

Just before bringing her in, she had some sort of seizure and again when the vet came in to do it. At least, from how she looked, her behavior and what the vet told me, I knew I was doing the right thing.

But I bawled at the vet and have been bawling off and on since. I woke up this morning and as soon as I realized she wasn't there, I bawled again. The pain is so so acute, and awful, and soul-wrenching, I don't know how to get through this.

I took a couple days off of work in the hopes that I'll get to the point that I won't break into tears every time I think of her, which is all the time.

I will be keeping a journal just for her. write to her until I don't need to anymore. I hope this will help.

If you pray (and I don't, but at such moments I do) please pray that she is in a place with no discomfort or pain and where she's not alone, but surrounded by all that is good and loving and caring.