This holiday season has not been the most fun on record.

First, an off-handed comment from my mother about my stepdad. How although he drinks and can get loud that he "never lays a hand on any of us" ...

*shudder*

If only my mom knew. But she never will. None of my family ever will. I've promised to bury it and not tell them, but it's times like those that really hurt.

Tried to not freak out or have a panic attack. It was so hard. But I managed to pull it off.

Then a major argument just yesterday.

My mom saying how my dad (not stepdad, my parents are divorced) was an emotional abuser. They always say such mean things to one another...

But best comment, my mom says there was a time when she thought my dad was abusing his three daughters (my sisters and me). Never ever happened. My dad has never laid a hand on any of us. But that triggered inside my head and tried to not freak out again.

Then she said that if she ever thought my stepdad was hurting any of us that she wouldnt have stayed with him...

I had to bite my tongue. I didnt say anything. Was so tempted. So hating my family.

Now I'm alone with my stepdad for 1.5 days... nothing will happen, but the thoughts are still there. Something that happened 6 or 7 years ago still plays in my head...

I've had enough of my family. the emotional and verbal abuse... I'm sick of thinking I'm stupid and worthless and a burden... I'm sick of the negative messages in my head. I'm sick of the distortions, and I'm sick of knowing that they're all lies, and yet still believing them. Internalizing them.

And most of all, I'm sick of the fact I'm not over this one incident. I mean, it was only once. I've talked about. But I refuse to have to deal with it. It was my fault, it will always be my fault.

I just wish I could have a trigger-free family vacation.