OK. So environmental causes can aggravate the condition. Now, my wife had three serious relationships, counting me. In her first one, as she describes it to me, she seemed not to show any symptoms of BPD, except perhaps a fear of being alone. But it didn’t seem to be the fear of abandonment described in BPD, as most of that relationship took place with her boyfriend in Viet Nam. She was quite content to have a boyfriend, at first in Viet Nam, and after he got out, 1000 miles away. But she did seem to fear, and talk about her concerns in not having a boyfriend at all.

In her second relationship, she seems to show all the symptoms of BPD. The only qualifier that I (a completely untrained observer) might note, was that she said she felt a lot of rage, but always internalized it. But if you look at the symptoms in any BPD article, she seemed to have them all.

Then in our relationship, she never showed any symptoms of BPD towards me. In our breakup, her behavior (especially with her ex) was quite hurtful towards me, but she never verbalized any complaints, beyond a brief mention of a few fears of what “might” happen in the future, and a similarly brief mention that I was “immature.” She became withdrawn, sullen, and disinterested around me, where before we had fun, easy communications, and a generally pleasant relationship. She didn’t break up with me. She just made me miserable enough that I left. I tell her that she made me feel like gum stuck to the bottom of her shoe, an irritant, but not important enough to take the time to scrape off. She just knew that over time, it would wear off.

So my question is, (and I realize I’m asking for a guess, not a diagnosis) is this likely a person suffering from BPD, or is it more likely a person whose infatuation with another led them to violate all the norms that they had grown up with, and otherwise lived their life by?