It's gotten to the point where it's hard to explain, but I feel it best to try and maybe seek some support.
Since Friday I have felt on and off suicidal, I was at the hospital and my partner was mad so he kept ripping on me. I was there for a tailbone cyst. I threw out all of my extra sleep meds which would have been my plan of ending it all. I've been through a life time worth of ****, and sometimes I can't tell if my past is coming back up and I'm having an "implicit flashback" or if I'm simply experiencing the emotions of a current situation. I haven't felt like myself since Friday, I keep replaying bad between my partner and I over and over again. Sad part is I'm no longer looking into whether or not it's become toxic, because I'm so tired of finding the yes that if I see it again I don't know what the hell I'm going to do. Most of my relationships, if not all of them were less than steller. Anything I've had beyond friendship always ends up toxic. Other problem is that when my partner realized to some extent the problems this was causing he tried to be nicer and there for me but this morning we had a political disagreement and I got mad not feeling heard so I tried to stop the argument by saying I was done with it. He got mad and punished me by not letting me have or even roll a smoke so I smoked butts. And I was fine until that moment again. And yes I'm aware enough to know that doing that, because he was mad and in his words I wasn't "being reasonable" is messed up and wrong. We live together, have for over a year and it only becomes worse and worse over time but honestly even knowing all of this I don't have the stamina anymore to leave so my only other option it feels is to disappear. I'm sitting in a centre for childhood trauma and Sexual abuse, I've faced that ****, last assault was last year. So one could imagine that after 25 years of the same damned pain that rips you from your sense of self one would become exhausted. I am, I'm beyond exhausted now like I've been kicked too much and I was born down. Everyone keeps saying "it'll get better one day"
One day
One day
One day never came. It's feeling like I can never escape this, like I'm trapped and it doesn't matter what I do to distance myself from being hurt by those who "love me and have my best interest at heart" I'm always just going to end up here. And all I want to do is cry my eyes out until I legitimately dehydrate myself into a husk of nothing. Nothing not even drugs or self harm distraction anything is working anymore I just feel like death. I am dead inside and my body desperately calls out to match my internal self. I am in actual physical pain trying to hold it all in and not react to the screaming inside but I feel it coming on, slowly it will build and I don't know what's beyond wanting to die, well I do but the point where it swings back around again and it's as if everything in life is just one nightmarish evening in my head, as if I can just wake up from it. Then I realize that I can't and the dispare hits me like a sack of rocks right in the gut hard as Heman could throw it (or whoever is super strong I dunno superman maybe). It just all feels pointless hopeless and painful. I'm actually highly regretting tossing my extra sleep meds cause I coulda just saved myself the trouble and not typed any of this and faded away. Anyways, I'm starting to go numb again (like my brain feels physically numb). I just don't know what the hell to do anymore.