You have my deepest sympathy in the truest sense of the word.

The things that work for me are to partner with pdoc, be open to new meds (but research the hell out of them first), take it slow, recognize it's a process, have mercy, and forgive, no matter how mad and disgusted you are.

Because ultimately, I can get as mad and disgusted as I want, and for all the good it does me, and for all anyone cares about it, I might as well forgive the jackasses (esp if they're me) and wash my hands of them.

Unfortunately, the world moves on without taking much notice of our feelings. We, ourselves, however, can apply a little perspective to at least our own selves.

And when we're hurting, and it all sucks, and we feel nothing but disappointment in ourselves, at least we can remember that disappointment comes measured against an external yardstick, and we can keep a sense of perspective that, yeah, we're hurting now, but yeah it's going to get better. And even though it's truly irrelevant, if you have to go measure yourself against that silly external yardstick once you're on your feet, fine. You'll feel silly, but fine.

So like I say, dude, I feel you. Been there so many times that I will not go back there again. Have eaten too many meals of tears and sawdust. Yucky, and too much fiber.

Sorry to repeat myself, but you are in very tender circumstances right now. You deserve tender mercies. You must be willing to accept those from others. You must be willing to accept them from yourself. And you must forgive yourself for accepting them.

And then you must work, and heal.