I feel extremely low. It's been about a month since I've been feeling pretty bad. It started as the deadline for my university work came closer, so eventually I thought it was caused just by the stress. But now I've finished the work, I'm waiting for my grades and I've been looking for my first job...and it's getting much, moch worse.

I've just been feeling so useless and worthless. I don't trust my abilities, my skills and I fear that I won't ever be good enough for the future I hope for. I just generally feel very bad about myself.
There's a lot of inner pain inside of me, like somebody would stick an invisible knife in me. That pain is combined with feeling of anger and restlesness. It went to the point, when I feel physically sick, like I could vomit any time.
I don't feel like doing anything, talking to anyone and I can't concentrate on one task for longer than 5 minutes.
I've been mean and rude to people I care about, only because everything is a trigger for me. Either to feel hurt and cry, or to get angry and yell at people for no obvious reason.
Most of my day I just listen to depressing music and think about how my life sucks at every point. I usually drink wine to smooth the negative feelings, but I feel ****** for that as well, I know I can't do this to my body all the time.

The other fun thing is... All of the past memories, even those I've pushed into the background of my mind a long time ago, they all came back. All the bad ones about being bullied, or humiliated, they just run through my head, even those that happen 10 years ago and I go through them over and over. They come in flashes and I can't control them. I usually even end up shaking my head or making weird faces when they come and if there are people around me, they look at me like I'm crazy.

I've also been having nightmares or I wake up scared and disoriented in the middle of the night.

I've been thinking about suicide, but I had also had existential anxiety and it's changed my views on death a lot. The fact is that I don't know if I could do it. I'm a coward and I fear the pain and suffering. I also attempted suicide 7 years ago and I know how disgusting and painful the process of dying can be. I'm not sure if I can go through it one more time.

So I'm stuck... I feel totally ******, but I'm not sure if I could ever really kill myself. I just really don't know what to do...