So here I am finally opening up to someone about my eating disorder.

I struggled with my weight my whole life. When I was a child, I was a little chubbier and there were always those people who told me I am fat, I should lose weight, that baby fat will fade away, etc etc

It never really bothered me until I was in High School. I started making a diet and counting calories and ended up eating just 300 calories a day because I was so obsessed with the number on the scale. I was the skinniest I have ever been by starving myself. A very good friend of mine and I did this together. We always pushed ourselves to eat less and less. Sometimes I felt bad for eating an apple and weighed all of my food to get the exact amount of calories to control everything I took to myself. But then my mum recognized that I got too skinny and forced me to eat again.

I started to eat normal again but I wanted to stay skinny so I discovered fitness.
Running every day for an hour or working out at home - I started to love fitness and became obsessed with it. But I felt good because I became productive, I looked sexy because I gained muscles and curves and I was disciplined and had control in my life. I was happy. But that way of living led to restriction because I didn't view my food as food but as carbs, proteins or as good food and bad food.
I felt uncomfortable eating outside with friends because it wasn't the food I cooked myself, so I couldn't tell exactly how much fat or carbs where in it.
However, I always thought I am still normal, but just a person who is dedicated to fitness and is willing to reach her goal and live a healthy life. I didn't 'cheat' in 5 months until I went on vacation and ate 'bad food' for the first time.
I couldn't control myself and ate until I almost felt the need to vomit.
But I always got up the next day and started working out harder to get rid of the calories I took to myself the last day, still considering myself as healthy.

Now I gained like 10 kilos again and am stuck in this circle of restricting and binge eating.
I hate my body right now, all that cellulite, that rolls on my stomach. I miss being shredded and disciplined.
Every monday I promise myself to live 'healthy', work out and loose weight again, but I always end up binging in the evening or in the last days of the week because I restricted.
Then I end up crying and feeling like a mess, that I am not worth it, that I am not beautiful etc
My friends are skinny and I always consider them more pretty than me.

No one knows that I struggle with this. I just cannot talk to anyone about it.
That's why I came here to open up to people who would understand me a little.
Maybe it makes me feel better and helps me overcome my problems with myself.

I know thats' a lot to read, but that's all that came through my mind right now. I appreciate everyone reading through it.