My pdoc wants me on clozapine if Zyprexa doesn't work. I'm so scared to be on a drug like that. He says clozapine is number 1 for my symptoms and zyprexa comes in a close second. So I'm on zyprexa. I don't know what would help. Maybe I just have to accept the weight gain and take the higher dose. I see my T in a week if this is mania I want it to get worse so she can see my symptoms, usually I'm able to hide my symptoms. If I'm honest wont they just drug me more? or worse hospitalize me? I'm not going to IOP. My husband can't drop me off or pick me up and the fear of someone harming me while getting transportation is to high. I live in a world that everyone is out to hurt me to the point I talk to no one. I have nothing to say though. My T says when I'm alone and I feel like someone's going to break in to just get up walk around. That just made things worse and I almost had a panic attack when they came home. This is so painful but my headphones are broke so I have to interact with my family like this. I'm more and more convinced I'm just a *****. I'm always paranoid so that hasn't changed. Today at co-op my nephews were counting how many cameras are in the building. I so wish I wasn't there. I don't want to be a ***** if that counts? I can't do this.