Hi... I have bipolar disorder and anxiety and recently I have been in an abusive relationship. It wasn't all abusive of course which is the reason I am having such a hard time dealing with this. First off it was with my ex bf... who I thought had changed. When we were together long time ago, I was pretty much in a stable place in my life while he was not. He had insecurity issues and some paranoid delusions. Being bipolar and knowing and being aware of these issues having gone through mania myself, I completely tried my best to help him in any way possible. Then I began to realize his delusions stopped a bit bc he no longer talked about them. BUT... they started to come to me. He would insist I was cheating on him when I was not. I did everything I could possibly do to make him see I was not cheating on him. But it became too much for me as we were fighting every day. After a year I ended the relationship.

I went to another state where he was and he seemed to have changed... this time he was doing well and was truly happy while I was on the other end a complete mess. Towards him I was very needy and internally very scared and insecure. He was really sweet to me at first then slowly he began to do things that were not so nice. It was all my fault for sleeping with him which I instigated and blurred the line of friendship. On his end he was only trying to help me. He didn't want to be with me. I on the other hand wanted to be with him and wanted and needed that close intimacy. Not even a week went by and he started to yell at me while we were taking a walk so everyone in the neighborhood could hear what a horrible person I was. He ended up screaming and yelling at me and even got violent punching this bench but lucky he never hit me directly. I was dumbfounded and scared. I thought no, he couldn't possibly think I was sleeping around... there was no way he would think that. I did everything possible to make him feel secure. I was even scared to talk to his roommate and probably sounded like a ***** (sorry for the cuss word) bc I didn't want him to think anything that wasn't there. But it turns out he thought I was sleeping around. I was scared to directly ask him if that was why he was mad but I did and told him I wasn't and he would tell me to cut the crap and stop pretending etc etc. I was so hurt and felt scared and at the same time angry. On the outside everyone in the community knew him as this nice guy who helps everyone and he even told a lot of pple about me. Basically he was helping his ex girlfriend who was so horrible and cheated on him and was a lot of trouble. He was this great guy and only towards me he would show this other side. I didn't know what to think. I could see why people would think that bc he really is this nice guy. And I blamed myself. I still do find myself blaming myself. Why is it he is so nice to everyone else but to me he isn't. Why is it he sees me as this horrible person? He basically told me my problems were my fault and don't blame it on bipolar bc there is no such thing and I needed God and that's why I'm where I'm at in life... bc I never changed and I'm doing the same sh**. Well I took all of everything he said. I couldn't say anything back bc he would get more mad and tell me if I don't like it then leave. Well I had nowhere to go... no car very little money and I didn't know anyone. To me back home was not an option for other reasons I do not feel like talking about. So basically I tried my very best to please him but nothing I did was enough. I was still no good... I needed God. I am a Christian and I do my best but to him I was doing it all wrong. Once again it's my fault for sleeping with him. He probably thinks I do that with every guy but that is not the case. I don't go around sleeping with guys I don't have feelings for. Anyways, he would never apologize but we would somehow make up and I would fall for his kindness again. I felt that I was the abnormal weird one bc I wasn't socially adequate and he was. I find it hard to be comfortable around people and I get really nervous and scared but try hard to hide it. I found comfort with him and felt this feeling of safety being out with him. I was still scared but I felt safer if that makes sense. Also when we were out in public he was nicer to me. He drinks a lot which I'm not used to but I ended up drinking and following his lifestyle... to me anything was better than my own life. But I started to feel bad and inferior bc I couldn't keep up with his going out. I was in pain physically and needed rest. It was a lot of stress trying to live like he does. I am a quiet person and keep to myself with a few close friends and family. But I thought I needed to be more "social". I let him in my world of insecurity and trusted him only to feel vulnerable and hurt. He knew this side of me but yet still accused me of sleeping around. He even went as far as saying he heard things from people which really bothered me. Who was saying what especially when I had no real substantial contact with the outside world outside of him. He ended up yelling and preaching to me and I would be crying telling him to stop bc he was hurting me and he would mimic me crying and tell me to stop being a baby. This pattern continued until finally I left and came back home more messed up. Things he said would continue to haunt me and I kept justifying it and saying he was still good to me. Who would want to be with someone like me anyways? I wasn't normal. I have a lot of issues. Anyways I'm coming to the point where I KNOW he was abusive and critical but it's hard letting go of the feelings of hurt, betrayal, and anger. We had maintained a friendship over the phone but I began to withdraw and have mixed emotions and started to ruin everything bc I couldn't forgive him. I know I'm stupid but I felt I loved him but hated him at the same time if that makes sense? He never apologized and our perspectives on the whole relationship will always be different where he felt it was my fault and he did nothing wrong but try to help him and I was the one who betrayed him. I cried and prayed so much and it is so hard letting everything go and I don't know how to be his friend. If anyone has anything to say to help me get a hold of myself please help. How does one let go and forgive and forget especially when he never apologized?