I am seeing the light at the end of the tunnel.I was asleep all day today,couldn't muster up the energy to prepare food so been surviving for two days on weetabix.I realised my fish oil supplements ran out two weeks ago I didn't have money to buy more so I stopped them and other vitamins,I think the fish oils were helping the depression so I used some of my overdraft to order more.I should be better again then when I start taking them again.Also it is possible I am anaemic as I gave up meat and last time the doctor did tests she said my salt was low.

I am up this early in the morning cos I can't sleep having been asleep all day.
I have been dragged down by memories of past flames that burned me and past family members who never ever cared and one who hated me so much she abused me for 35 years and the abuse escalated to her literally trying to bring about my death.I never seems to attract anyone who loves me and cares about me,isolation is something I bought with me from a past life I believe this.

I am still in a bit of a panic psychologically,being very ill brings back memories of ill health and being abused through it unable to look after myself dependent on a family member whom I now know had an agenda to make my illness so bad that I'd actually kill myself.These last few days I have had the PTSD memories of all that come back to haunt me.My family member know I don't trust her but she makes out like she is a normal person and speaks to me as if she is acceptable and hadn't done anything wrong.I only speak to her concerning my mother's care,she is on police records as having committed domestic violence against me.I have cut her out of my life for 3 years now come October 14th.I have no desire to know her of have her in my life nor any of the past family members that treated me with indifference and humiliated me for the crime of being fat,yet if they needed money they shamelessly demand it from me.

I am sorry now that I hadn't realised I was worth a lot more than they gave and that I should never have cared for them..cos I never mattered to them.

I guess not ever mattering to family or anyone else is what hurts me now cos that is my whole life and I am 53 years old now.