My pdoc wants me on clozapine if Zyprexa doesn't work. I'm so scared to be on a drug like that. He says clozapine is number 1 for my symptoms and zyprexa comes in a close second. So I'm on zyprexa. I don't know what would help. Maybe I just have to accept the weight gain and take the higher dose.

[I]Clozapine is kind of scary but it works really well. I was so sick by the time I went it that I was just glad to have something with the potential to help but I knew for a few years that I was nearing the point that I wouldn't have a choice but to do clozapine and I was quite anxious about it. But it works and while the side effects can suck there is nothing that I can't live with, even if it is something I fight with (weight gain which started long before clozapine).[/I]



I see my T in a week if this is mania I want it to get worse so she can see my symptoms, usually I'm able to hide my symptoms. If I'm honest wont they just drug me more? or worse hospitalize me?

[I]If you are worse they may suggest more meds; you have the right to express your opinion and ask for different meds or time to try to work it out in therapy. They may suggest the hospitl but can't make you go unless you are a risk to yourself or others and you aren't saying that you are, just that you are angry. If the anger reaches a point you want it t stop then you may have to choose one o those things but you are in control at this point.[/I]

I'm not going to IOP. My husband can't drop me off or pick me up and the fear of someone harming me while getting transportation is to high. I live in a world that everyone is out to hurt me to the point I talk to no one.

That sounds lonely.

I'm more and more convinced I'm just a *****. I'm always paranoid so that hasn't changed. Today at co-op my nephews were counting how many cameras are in the building. I so wish I wasn't there. I don't want to be a ***** if that counts? I can't do this.

I don't think you are. If you were you wouldn't care about your responses or that you might hurt someone with your words. You are just having a bad time. When I've felt unreasonably angry in the past my therapist has had me shred old phone books (or magazines or whatever). I did it for hours and it helped.

You can do this. You've gotten through bad times before a and you can again. I remember telling my therapist that I just don't WANT to do all that work to get through it; I didn't but I had no choice and I made it. You can too.