I have definitely cut off all contact with the guy. I even deleted the email address. My husband is just devastated. Completely devastated. I am heartbroken for him. I am trying to call and make an appointment for a therapist right now. I doubt he will go, but I have to. At the moment, we are sleeping in different bedrooms. My life feels so surreal right now. For 23 years, we have been "that couple." The one everybody looks up to as the perfect couple, the one everyone wants their relationship to be like. And now I feel like trash. My husband is a 20-year Army combat veteran with multiple sclerosis. WHO DOES THAT TO A MAN LIKE THAT?! I keep going back and forth in my mind trying to decide whether or not I'm actually evil. Yes, I've had a psychiatrist since I was 23. I'm 40 now. My next appointment with him is on the 24th of Oct. I really dislike my therapist, so I haven't been in a while. I'm supposed to be seeing her once a week and it's an hour drive there and back, so I'm currently looking for therapists closer to home and trying to get an appointment right now. My husband is very much reluctant to believe anything about bipolar disorder having anything to do with this.

But my question to him is, in 23 years I have never so much as looked at another man, and all of a sudden, out of nowhere, I start, well, what basically amounts to having cybersex with some guy I met on Words with Friends of all places. The guy is a piece of ****. He's cheated on his wife 6 times. He can barely spell. His fantasies are absolutely disgusting. There is nothing about him that would otherwise turn me on, and certainly nothing about him that would hold a candle to my husband. Not to mention that the whole time I'm doing this, there is this voice in my head that is screaming "What the hell are you doing??? Why are you ripping his heart out like this?? Why can't you just stop???"

Yes, I know, regardless of why I did it, I still have to take responsibility for my actions. I still have to get help, pay the piper, earn his trust back (if he'll even let me).

Today, he's planning on taking a leave of absence from work, a job he doesn't even need, but one he loves. This means he's walking away from something he loves because he needs time to think about whether or not his marriage his worth salvaging.

My mother is on the way and will be here tomorrow. I know it sounds weird, but if anyone can fix this, my mother can. My husband respects her opinion more than anyone in the world.

I feel sick to my stomach. Sick because of what I've done. Sick because I was too weak to stop it. Sick because I couldn't keep our wedding vows. Sick because this is the woman I've turned into. Sick because he'll never look at me with pride in his eyes again. Just sick,