I went to my therapy session yesterday and wanted to let you know what happened. It's kind of long, so I'm splitting it up into parts. Sorry if it is repetitive.

PART 1

I took my h with me to my session yesterday. I had told my t that if I continue in therapy with her, we need to change our therapy focus -- away from attachment and parts work. But I wasn't sure what focus we should have. I really feel like just quitting therapy altogether.

Since my h strongly feels that I should not quit therapy, I decided to let him come with me and share his opinions about how I've been doing overall (mentally, emotionally, etc.). I also wanted him to say why he thinks I should not quit, and what kind of therapy focus he believes would be most helpful. We have a good relationship, and he knows me really well, so I felt OK about bringing him. I'll tell you what he said later.

Here's what I said...

I told them I've learned a lot in therapy over the years. I can list several things I've learned and ways I've changed, and I'm sure the things I've learned will benefit my life from now on. We've resolved a lot of my smaller issues. But my biggest issues - with attachment and dissociation - have not been resolved. We've tried over and over again to work on those issues. But we always end up in the same place.

The work stirs up too many painful feelings that I can't adequately contain after session. We do containment work before I leave her office, but it doesn't always last. I get triggered and dissociate midweek, and I can't manage it without help from her between sessions. She can't give it (or doesn't want to, although I didn't say this). So I struggle through it alone.

During a triggered moment like this, I feel genuinely scared and sometimes like I'm losing reality or going crazy. It feels like something life-threatening is happening to me. When my t does not reply to an email I send her when I am in distress...or offers no more than a brief sentence or two, it sometimes isn't enough to ground me and help me calm down. I need something from her that proves she is actually giving thought to my situation and is taking the time necessary to provide the support I need, not just typing off a quick few words and hitting SEND.

Yesterday, I told my h and my t that when I have those episodes between sessions, and my t does not respond in the way I need her to, it feels every bit like a reinactment of my childhood. I went through so many scary and painful experiences. I needed help so bad to deal with it, but nobody was there to help me. When these episodes happen in therapy, I feel incredibly hurt, and then angry. After that, depression and feeling hopeless set in. The end result is always the same: I feel numb, like a robot just going through the motions.

Thankfully, these "episodes" have been happening less and less often the longer I have been in therapy. And with the exception of this rupture, we have been able to resolve things in a shorter amount of time. I think this indicates progress. But this time, it felt worse than it ever has before. The numbness has lasted much longer. This time, talking about it isn't bringing about a feeling of resolution. I feel like this last rupture was the straw that broke the camel's back.

I told my h and my t yesterday that I don't think my attachment and dissociation issues are fixable. I think they are irreversible. I don't think therapy can resolve them.

I said yesterday that I'm tired of getting triggered and going around in circles with my t about what support I need from her, and what she can and can't provide. I'm tired of doing therapy work that leaves me unstable and needing her help midweek, and then not being able to get it. I feel hopeless, like that spark of hope has finally gone out. During past ruptures, no matter how bad I felt, I still had an urgency to see her and for us to resolve things. It made me sick that we were having problems. But this time, I can't find the motivation to fix things between us. I feel discouraged, so exhausted and depleted. I just don't want to try anymore.

I also told them both that I am not blaming my t. I know that because of my issues, I need more outside support than the therapy framework provides.
But I can't help it. That's what I need. I wish I didn't. I HATE needing help to start with. But for whatever reason, I don't have the inner strength to do attachment, parts, and trauma work without needing that extra support. So I'm done. I just can't do it anymore. I just end up being retraumatized again and again, and it's not good for me.