I wanted to add something...

The reason I said that I don't blame my t is because she HAS been trained in trauma work, and she HAS worked with me coping skills and grounding. But I STILL can't manage my own "episodes" when they happen outside sessions. They happen much less often than they used to. But when they do, it's AWFUL!

One of the biggest lessons my t and I have learned over the years we've been in therapy is that I can't tolerate more than a few bites of painful work without becoming overstimulated and overwhelmed. Even with having learned coping skills, it is just the way I am. My t did tell me that I am a Highly Sensitive Person (HSP), and that people like me are affected much more deeply by traumatic events and feel emotions much more deeply too. So I don't know if this is why therapy feels so hard and painful for me or what it is. Or if it is just that I've had so many traumatic events in my life that I am just too screwed up to be normal.

My t and I have had to, at times, step back from the deep work and go back to working on coping skills. We have tried to reduce how much pain we allow to come up during sessions. We have worked on containment. I think my t has done the right thing by doing everything she can to try to build up my inner reserves, so to speak. So I don't think the fault is that my t doesn't know how to help me in session, how to teach coping skills, relaxation, etc.

I really think the problem is with me. My diagnoses and complex multiple issues make it impossible for me to heal within the normal framework of therapy. An hour a week is not enough to address everything we need to. An hour isn't enough time to: (1) get relaxed enough to start opening up, (2) allow the painful memories or experiences to arise, (3) talk about them, (4) use coping skills to manage the painful emotions, and then (5) pack it back up into a neat little compartment until the following week without anything leaking out midweek.

I'm grateful that my t has worked with me on coping skills and relaxation skills. I've taken DBT too. I told them yesterday that the problem isn't that I don't KNOW coping skills. I KNOW them. I KNOW how to use them. I KNOW why they need to be used, and I AGREE!

But it does not matter HOW MANY coping skills she has taught me if I get triggered and dissociate, and my normal "adult presence" disappears. If I get into that "place" where I'm in a dissociative flashback or whatever, I CAN'T FIND the part of my brain where the coping skills are. I CAN"T FIND the part of my brain that can use those skills to calm me down. I've tried to explain this to my t, but I think she forgets. Or maybe it's hard to believe.
Maybe it sounds like a copout. But I am 100% serious. In that state, I need my t's help. I don't know what else to do.

This is why I want to give up trying to heal my attachment and dissociation problems. I don't know of any other solutions. We've tried everything. If my t doesn't want to be bothered midweek to help me when I get dysregulated, or if she doesn't believe that it is therapeutic to do so, or should be necessary, what else can I do? When these things happen, I end up feeling like a dog at the table begging for scraps, and I feel ashamed for how I am. I don't want to feel like that anymore. I'd rather feel emotionally starved and go without what I need than to keep feeling hurt and abandoned like this.

I AM NOT FIXABLE.