It's been percolating a while, and I wanted to write more about today's session.



Today’s session was tough, but ultimately healing. As soon as she came in and sat down, R referenced the email. She had barely crossed the threshold before I said ‘It’s so good to see you.’ Following that, she mentioned the email – ‘Judging by your message, it’s been a difficult time...I know that doesn’t even cover it.’

Because I emailed on Saturday, R didn’t know about my conversation with the rota person, but seemed incredulous that the person who left had wanted to tell me, but didn’t. I explained that I have analysed it every way and that I understand there are some circumstances which may preclude letting people know, but I have verified that she worked four weeks’ notice without saying a word.



‘I needed to know this for me.’



I also explained that there were multiple opportunities for her to say something – maybe instead of telling me about her missing, then found, dog...maybe when I made a comment about hoping that the rota gods would be kind to us.



‘By that meaning that she would be rotaed to be with you?’

‘Yes, I trusted her with every aspect of this. She knows...or she knew, that my first response to ‘How are you?’ is always a lie. To get a truthful answer, ask me twice. To do this to me anyway hurts, but to do this to me now?’ I paused for a bit, during which it is possible that R was wiping her eyes. I then admitted that I’m scared and told her about thinking ‘Don’t traumatise the new person.’ When I explained how I freaked at the thought of telling the new person about Chris, R realised that S’s actions have made me wary of opening up about things.



‘There was a time, I remember, when I wasn’t even going to tell her, but after the initial discovery, and then going on pretending I was OK, and with Pete’s Dragon realising that I was less OK than I thought...I realised it was better to be open...A three legged stool doesn’t work with two legs.’



‘From what you are saying there, S was one of your stool legs?’

‘Yes, I have tried talking to family, but they don’t understand, because they’re not in my head.’

‘Do you feel that nobody can understand, because they haven’t shared that experience?’

‘Hearing that reflected back, I can see how isolating and damaging that belief is...but...’



I told R that whilst I knew it would have been a difficult conversation for both of us – especially as ‘I didn’t want to have to tell you this, but...’ is out.



‘Different context, but the parallels between this and what you are currently dealing with are obvious. I hear empathy, because you understand that it wouldn’t have been easy, but you feel like you deserved that.’



‘I wouldn’t have taken it well at first, but I would be entitled to that...’

‘Of course.’

R went on to say that as we were talking, she felt ‘[...] pangs of...I don’t want to say guilt, because it couldn’t be helped, but when I cancelled one session last week, and then had to cancel another...You must have felt like your support system was collapsing.’

‘...Things imploded afterwards.’

‘I’m aware I didn’t help, I’m sorry.’