Hello again, and thanks for sharing some more information. It helps me understand better where you are. Some of what follows can be triggering, so please be safe.

I can relate to the confusion and struggle you have described. My sense of it is that, at the time of your abuse, you internalized some false lessons about yourself and how you relate to others (perhaps that you were not worthy of love from one person, or not for too long, or not without conditions). Abuse in itself, and abusers on purpose, can do these things. It's kind of the opposite of children who have only positive, nurturing experiences. They learn healthy views of themselves and relationships and carry those lessons into adulthood. Abused children learn other things -- distorted lessons about ourselves and others -- that we carry into adulthood. In recovery, we then have to work deliberately to unlearn those lessons and teach ourselves new healthier lessons.

You may want to start looking at this by making a list of what you believe abuse taught you about yourself and about others. Look at it from a child's viewpoint. It's a bit hard to do, because you have to put logic aside for a few minutes to do this. But be very candid and don't filter out anything that you feel ashamed of or feel is "wrong". Try to just write your list without thinking to much about it, focus on the feelings. The list must honestly reflect where you have been, or it won't work.

If it helps, here's a few things from my list. You may or may not relate to these things. 1. that I have to hide my body. 2. I am not allowed to be angry. 3. People will use me. 4. I can't be vulnerable. 5. I am damaged.

There were about 39 things on my list. Once the list is done, it can then be a powerful place to work from for yourself individually and with a therapist (which I recommend for this one). It can give you a kind of roadmap to see where you must go to create new, healing lessons for yourself. You can also share your list here, but I would recommend taking one or two items at a time so that you do not overwhelm yourself. And the list takes some introspection, so you will probably need to sit down to it a few times over a few days.

I hope this helps.

be well,

mtd