Almost a year ago, I finally met one of my favorite (older) musicians I was absolutely obsessed with and had a HUGE crush on. It didn't go very well, to me at least. So here's how it happened: after the show, my friends asked me if I wanted to stick around and wait for him to leave so that we could get pictures with him. They had done this the last two nights as well, so it wasn't a new thing. I said yes, because I was DYING to just see him and talk to him. We waited by the after-party tent where only VIPs could hang out with the celebrities, and finally, after others left, he left the tent. We started heading over to him, and his security guard very sternly told us to make it quick with one picture each.

I hurried over next to him when it was my turn, and we took the picture. He had his hand on my shoulder and mine around his back, which was a sweet moment. Then I turned to him and said, "Thank you so much". He very slowly turned his head to look at me, stared directly at me for what felt like several seconds, without smiling or anything, and then slowly turned his head away to ignore me. No words. So I walked away, and we all left soon after that. I couldn't shake off this negative, disappointing vibe I got from him.

A couple days later, after coming back home, I saw people online talking about how he didn't have his wedding ring on anymore, and maybe he was getting another divorce. I was utterly consumed with anxiety and sadness for him. I started to obsess over a new celebrity crush as a way to get over my anxious feelings about him. As the months have gone on, though, I've started to feel a wave of resentment and anger towards him for that brief interaction, and how he should have been nicer to me. Did he stare at me because he hated me so much? Did he want to lay a smackdown on me, but decided against it? What was with that reaction?

Was I a horrible fan? Was I entitled, bothering him after the show, and saying, "Thank you so much" as a way to force conversation with him that he didn't want to have, because he was tired? Did I deserve to be treated like that? Should I have expected that? Or was it just him being an asshole to me? Was it his problem and not mine? I will admit that deep down I felt a certain level of entitlement to get a certain connection with him. I wanted to talk to him, like other fans have been able to talk and chat with their favorite celebrities.

At the same time, though, he could have reacted in any number of ways differently than he did, and other musicians/performers have been nicer than him in similar circumstances. When I said thank you, he could have just nodded and continued with whatever he was doing, if he didn't want to engage. He could have brushed me off. He could have ignored me completely like I wasn't there. He could have said, "You're welcome", or "No problem", or smiled, or whatever. But the fact that he did THAT, out of ALL the other ways he could have reacted, perplexes me, confuses me and eats me up TO THIS DAY.

I've gone through periods of hating him, sometimes passionately, and swearing off of ever being a fan of him ever again. But I can't seem to come to any positive resolution about this interaction. Either I hate and blame him, or hate and blame myself, the latter of which is FAR more intolerably painful and emotionally uncomfortable and thorny for me to face. I don't want to be that "entitled fan" who hurt him and made his day worse. I don't think I was that out of line, to deserve that reaction.

Why can't I stop obsessing over this one brief interaction, almost a year later?