I keep going round on the same question; what do you want to do with your life? I get that in Therapy, when applying for jobs (what are your long term goals? - nothing), from friends, my mom.... the list goes on.

This last time i was feeling suicidal my friend asked me to write the Samaritians because they have a free and confidential email where people can write about all the
*%&$ going on. So i did and through several emails i have finally understood something about myself. One might view this and go "Duh!" but this was a bit of a Eureka moment for me.

Because of the abuse in my life (age 2-12 sexually, age 1-22 verbally, emotionally, financially, and with the constant undertone of sexual things like implying I am a slut, I'm worthless unless someone actually pays for me, I deserve only what the dad wants…) several things occurred.
#1 I had to develop a means of survival which ended up being DID/MPD
#2 Because of DID/MPD, continued abuse, moving constantly to keep our family isolated, and constant interruptions every year of my schooling, there are gaps to my knowledge base, and I didn’t get to mature in the right time (ahead for some things, terribly behind in others, and not at all in some), and I don’t know what pieces I am missing.
#3 because of all those things, I didn’t get to fully develop any talents or interests, plus any I did start to develop were insidiously usurped by my controlling dad, much like a parasitic plant.
#4 Thus, not only do I not know what I want to do, but I have taught myself to do and want nothing simply because of No. 3 and now...
#5 Don’t want to do anything and feel totally useless.
#6 Which leaves me with the constant choice I keep returning to; commit suicide.

So, when someone asks me what I want to do with my life, I go back to #3 and #4 which lead back to # 5 and #6... And round and round the cycle goes.

It helps to be able to see the full picture when one wants to solve one's problems. I may forget this again later, but for now i have a bit of clarity.

kiya