If one's goal is to make one's children fear and distrust them, lack respect for and loyalty to them, and be secretive and dishonest with them, physical punishment is definitely the best option.

However, if your goal is to raise a thoughtful, compassionate, and mature human being, it takes a LOT of work and effort. It doesn't work to just expect your kids to do what you want, be quiet, and be obedient. It is necessary to be able to be willing to understand their viewpoint and needs, and be someone they can talk to and who they trust.

If a child is not getting their needs met, or feels powerless and unimportant, they will do everything they can to control the situation and make themselves important. Unfortunately for 4 year olds, tantrums and anger are one of the few tools they know they have.

If, a child who is listened to, and thinks they have options and control still is prone to tantrums, it is often necessary to make sure their routine is appropriate for them, and that their physical needs are being met. It may be that they need a snack at a particular time or another nap or quiet time, or they are prone to getting sad or lonely at a certain par of the day and need one on one time to play or be read to with a trusted adult or older beloved child (like sibling, cousin, neighbor).

Time outs can be great, but sometimes people use them too punitively. They are a time for a child to calm down and think and rethink. If time outs make a child too angry and reactive, then something else is needed to accomplish that. Honestly, I often put both my son AND myself in time out together, since by then I was likely frustrated too.we would sit quietly on the couch, not watching tv or playing, I would offer my hand if he wanted to hold it. If, after a little time he wanted to sit in my lap, that also was fine. When we were both calm, we could then talk about what was going on, why he was making the choices he was making, and what needed to be done better on both our parts.

At 17 he still makes mistakes, sometimes BIG ones. But he is also a wonderful person who I trust and admire and am proud to have raised. He trusts me and is honest with me and respects me.He actually ENJOYS spending time with me and seeks out opportunities. At 17!

This is what worked for me. Maybe there is something in it for you as well.

Don't forget, you ARE a good mother, no one does everything perfectly!