Triggering.......









I am not sure how to even post this.... yet I feel absolutely complelled... anything to relieve the pain....the unbearable pain.....

I went to the body memory massage T..... and also my T... not good... to do in the same day... but... unavoidable due to holidays...

So... I got there.. at the massage T... wrong time.. I do that alot.. right day.. wrong time... or wrong day... right time...

so was caught in alter that couldn't drive... so waited a very long time.....

my pain... going in was thru my entire body... there is only two spots that I can bear to be touched.. my tummy.. and my sternm bone... somehow.. this is the most comforting feeling in the whole world....and yet... touch my leg.. or my foot.. or my arm... and I simply leave my body in swish.. gone.. not to be found.....

going to my T... I got thrown... jolted... into my 5 year old alter... she was raped by her dad... and she gave oral sex... and she makes me postively sick to my tummy whenever she is or has been present... she... threw.. up after one time of oral sex.. and her dad beat her.... and she howls... but she can't get any words... out..... her dad... started fondling her.. when she was 3... then by 4... he used himself on her.... and by 5.. rape... and severe unbearable pain....mom put her in a hot tub.. to ease the pain....

I don't know how to help her... when she is in my T office and present she needs to vomit.. she chokes.. and chokes.. and is deathly ill... and I can't help her... she makes the rest of the alters... want to binge away the pain or do worse... all the alters get upset.. the 10 year old.. tells her pain... brought on by the other alter....of her dads rejection of her... because.. she turned into a woman... she deveopled early... that should be a good thing... but... rejection is tough... when there is no one... but no one that loves you.... so bad love.. is at least love... in her eyes...
so much pain in one session.... all the alters...all their pain...

One alter that insists.. that her life.. her childhood was perfect.....bringing pain... to the alters that were molested and beaten... everywhere I turn... within me.. pain...

the pain.... the aftermath... is unbearable... it is.. horrible... I don't know.. what to do...

I don't know if any of it is worth it......

The T... hears... all the alters out... it is like a revolving door.. and going around and around....

a world of pain... and no bandaides....

am exhausted....