I am a case manager, which I realize is a different kind of relationship from a therapeutic relationship in a lot of ways, but it's similar in some.

Today, I was talking with a coworker of mine and she was telling me about a client of hers who said something that affected her. He was upset about how case managers can't be friends with their clients. He told her he felt that the two of them should be equals. She told him that they are equals, and are in a partnership. She said "You have unique perspectives, and I have unique perspectives. We bring them together, and then we get a more full picture. My part and your part are both equally important in this partnership." But she also realized that it wouldn't be appropriate for her to have a friendship with him, and she felt badly that he wanted that so much but couldn't have it. She said, "it's sad because he's so lonely, and needs a friend. But I can't play that role." She really felt for him.

It made me think of my T and how much I wish she could be my friend. I wish for more than that, actually. I want her to be my family.

I've always fantasized that she would be in my life forever. It's so hard to keep the relationship in perspective. I just don't have that many people who are super close to me. I've never felt closer to anyone in my life than I do to T. And I've never loved anyone more.

That feels great, but it also hurts SO much.