Well in less than 30 minutes it will be the anniversary of my Dad's passing. i always have a hard time with this. Loss of a parent is probably always difficult. In the case with my dad, he was mentally ill since I was around 3 years old. He suffered to an extreme degree with paranoid schitzophrenia and bipolar disorder. His love for me always shone through and I am grateful for that. What has tormented me for my entire life is that he never "showed up". His illness was so severe he was in a delusional state all the time. I feel like I've never really met him or him me. I did feel the love...proved to me that love is greater and supercedes the illnesses <font color="purple"> </font> of the mind.

I will never know if my severe anxiety and depression or PD traits, PTSD traits and depersonalization disorder are from my genetics or from the traumatic environment I endured almost every day of my life for 34 years.

I can't be angry at him or blame him...he was doing the best that he could and suffered to an extreme degree almost every day of his life...24/7 you could say.

his passing sent me into tremendous shock. Nearly ended it. They say I was "merged" with him and i totally came unglued for many months. Still to this day, especially because of the dissociative symptoms I live with, I have a hard time getting a clear memory of him or remembering much of my life at all. Makes it hard to hold somebody in your heart that's passed or keep the memories alive when you can't access them yourself. So, I've lost that too.

My T tells me that I'm having such a hard time with this because I spent my entire life waiting for him to show up for me and then he "left" before ever doing so.

It's so hard. I feel like i will never find peace with this. I love him and miss him so much and I guess I'm posting this to let him know that even though i'm shut down to it most of the time.

<font color="purple"> </font> I love you with all my heart Dad <font color="purple"> </font>