I walked into the office shaking. Not because of the pending termination, but literally on my way to my appointment, as I was turning out of my apartment complex this drunk woman climbed into the passenger seat of my car. I wasn’t going fast enough yet for the doors to auto lock. She says, “I’m just going to the next corner! Please help, he took my money.”

So I drove the lady to the next corner and she’s like, “he went straight! Go faster.” So I tell her that no, I have an appointment, get out of my car. She called me an f-ing B, got out, then threw her open malt liquor beverage at the door I fortunately closed just in time. Only in my life.

So RoboT asked me why I was shaking, I tell him the story, and of course the response was “Oh, God! How traumatic!” I waved my hand and said yes, perhaps, but no time, we have other things to discuss. “Like what?” he asked.

I told him that today would most likely be our last session. He asked why, and I said that when we broached this conversation a month or two ago, I said I wanted to stay because I hoped that I would be able to gain something out of staying. I didn’t think that was possible anymore.

He said my timing was interesting because one of the things he was hoping to talk to me about today was establishing an actual transition plan leading up to our originally scheduled termination at the end of the year. He said he wasn’t sure if I would have wanted to try to figure out what coverage looked like for out of network (way too expensive), maybe checking in once a month, since that would be equivalent roughly to what I pay now, or go somewhere else.

He asked if I had ever heard of DBT. I rolled my eyes and assumed a very defensive stance. He asked why that made me mad. I said that I felt like he was being disingenuous. He was the one who told me that I was wrong originally for thinking I had BPD.

He said that he didn’t think I was borderline at first because I apparently present way more functionally than the other BPD clients that he’s seen before, but the more he thought about it and my trauma history that it made sense if you think of borderline as a continuum, and besides, diagnoses are an imperfect science anyway.

He said he knew a lady in town that did a DBT skills group and he thought that I would benefit from it, especially since my history indicates a high level of destructive behavior when I’m highly...triggered I guess would be the right word. Regardless of if he’s right or wrong, I’m not in a place right now where I can do a group. Financially I can’t plus my schedule at school is bonkers right now.

He acquiesced and asked me what had spurred my decision to leave. We talked about our last session and my distortion of thought. He said he regretted saying what he did. That it was him sharing some of his own psychological stuff and it wasn’t fair to me. He also felt bad because he said he should have realized what rescheduling me last week was going to trigger. That he didn’t think about it except from a numbers position.

I said that I was confused and he asked why. I said that I didn’t understand why he cared about how I felt or if the things he did hurt me. That I expected him to be glad that an admittedly difficult client was leaving. That I felt bad at times because I could tell that I challenged him.

He said that I had an observing ego, whatever that means. That it was perceptive of me to notice his struggles and why that made me an interesting client. That I’m typically very good at recognizing why I do the things that I do. I said sometimes. That this past week wasn’t a good example of that. I told him that the tape of my critic has played in my head all week, but that it wasn’t in my voice. It was his. “You’re never going to get better. You’re no Eric Clapton.”

I could tell that upset him. He said in a very low voice, “I did not say that.” I told him that I knew that, but he repeated. “I did not say that.”

I said again that it was me. That the self critical part of me took over. I told him about the incidents at work on Tuesday and the events that followed that led to me taking a mental health day on Wednesday. I told him about the discussion I had with H last night that led me to throwing my glasses against the wall as I scream cried.

RoboT said that while that all sounded painful, it showed growth. I asked why, and he said that not long ago...six months, maybe, I had said it was out of the question for me to discuss any of my mental health stuff with people not him or my stepmom. That I’m letting people in. I agreed, but said it was hard. That the people I’m letting in, like friends at work, have done little things that have hurt me, but that I’m ready to learn how to be okay with that.

He asked then if not DBT, what was my plan? I told him about my session on Monday. He said that I had obviously given a lot of thought to this, and was glad I wasn’t just quitting therapy all together. He asked man or woman, and I said older woman, which was going to be challenging for me. That I took at least a little bit of his advice. He asked who, and I obfuscated. I don’t want him to know who it is. I’ll never tell her or any other therapist who he is. I know my current T is well known in my community.

He said I didn’t seem super excited about the new therapist. I’m not. I had originally wanted to see another clinician at the practice I’m going to, but she didn’t have any availability that matched mine. This other lady did. Besides...

“Besides what,” he asked. I told him that there was no point in indulging the fantasy. He said there might be, please share. I said that I wished I was ready to work on my stuff and had found him 5 years ago, or that he was 10 years younger, or that I could afford to pay without insurance.

He wiped a tear off of his cheek and said that he wished for those things too. That he was sorry that he couldn’t be for me what I needed him to be. He then said that he wanted me to look at him as he said what he said next. That he believed I could get better. That if I continue to work on what I need to work on that I will get better.

I said thank you and closed my eyes as I started to cry. He asked why that upset me, and I said it didn’t. I just wanted to take a moment to internalize that. That I was leaving and that he believed I would make it. “Yes, you will.”

I said it was unfortunate that the dynamic that was playing out between the two of us made it so that I couldn’t go any further with him. That I wanted to, but the transference and countertransference made it too difficult, especially with a timeline. He mused that perhaps he shouldn’t have told me about his decision to depanel when he did, but that he had no way of knowing what was going to transpire between the two of us. I said that I was okay with it when he told me, but I had no way of anticipating that I was going to end up liking him and caring about him.

He said thank you for telling him that. That everyone wants to be liked and cared for. I said that while he had done things that had made me very angry, that I wasn’t leaving out of anger. That with the time that we had, I had come as far as I could.

Then he started to share his experience of me. He said that he was impressed with the growth that I’ve made over the last...11 months. That he always looked forward to our sessions because they were never dull. He said one of his favorite things about psychotherapy was listening to people share their authentic selves, but so often people will come in and share just events. That not many can tap into the depth of emotion that I can, which is why he said I am emotionally intelligent.

I laughed and said it wasn’t nice of him to say unkind things about his other clients. He said that I should appreciate what I was saying as an introvert. That small talk is so boring and also can be irritating. I agreed and said that’s why I don’t eat in the workroom with the other teachers at lunch. He said something else about introversion and intuition, “blah blah Myers Briggs.” I told him that I loved the MBTI, what was his typology? He said he’s an INFP, which I am also. He laughed when I said I was too and said that he wasn’t surprised by that at all. That our type is almost born to counsel.

He said thank you for being his client. For opening up to him in such a deep, meaningful way, and that he would miss me. He said he was thankful for the opportunity to say goodbye in person, especially since he knows how hard closure is for me. He offered to speak with my new therapist, once I settled on someone, if they wanted to. Just that he would have to email me a release of information form. I said I wasn’t sure if I would want him talking to anyone else about me. “Clean slate?”

I shook my head. It was more because I was afraid of what he would say. That he was being so kind now, but when I walk out the door. He asked me what he could say or do that would convince me that he was being authentic.

I said I wasn’t sure and would need to think about it. I said I had contemplated asking him to review my file just to make sure it was accurate. He moaned and said his files are garbage. That he only keeps them because he has to for audit purposes. That he hardly ever looks at them. “Then how do you remember the things that you do?” Granted, his memory isn’t perfect, but there have been times he remembered things that I’ve told him that I didn’t. He says that he’s been blessed with a really good memory. That sometimes it pisses his wife off, which made me laugh.

I shrugged my shoulders and said I’d think about it and email him if my new therapist wanted to speak with him and I was okay with it. He sighed, put on his glasses, and got up to walk out of the office. “Where are you going?!”

“I know you, Daisy.”

He walked back in a minute or so later with my file and he started to go through it. “Oh wow, this thing is way out of order. I’d definitely get in trouble were I audited.” I was practically out of my seat trying to read what he was holding, but his handwriting is terrible! He said he did it partially on purpose. If doctors could get away with it, so could he.

He pulled a random note and read it aloud. “Client expressed feelings of rejection and abandonment due to my upcoming vacation.” I covered my face with my hands. “Jesus Christ, RoboT! Why would you read that one?”

“Okay then...ah, here’s your first session. Look, it’s the really sloppy genogram I did!” He was right. It was sloppy.

He took a moment to try to put some of the notes in order and asked if I was satisfied. I said I was, and thanked him for his willingness to pull out the file. He went back into the record room and put it away.

At that point time was about up. I told him thank you again for everything, and that I would miss him. He said that he wished me well and hoped that I would grow into the person I wanted to be. Then he asked me if it would be okay if he gave me a hug. I said yes, and said thank you again, he said you’re welcome and good luck. Then I walked out.