You know what I think scares me the most isssss, I bit like Sister posted before, what If the feelings I have toward friends and T are finally moderated, worked thru? and I find I don't really like them at all? I think I can hear T's voice saying to me now "But thats already happened" meaning, that I didn't like my adoptive family unyet they were all I had amongst the fear of being abandoned again. I think I may still be carrying shame and guilt because of this. Its almost like I feel guilty whenever a friend does something less then "likeable" it triggers of my own self-hatred for disliking them and then I had to make them into "gods" so that I can save the relationship, but of course I'm not that child afraid of being dumped again and even if a friend dumps me today, I survive. Survive is becoming a big word for me at this time, It seems to be the answer for all situations, that no matter how bad I feel, I will survive, and that child that was afraid she wouldn't if she were abandoned again doesn't know that yet and suddenly I feel very aware of how it was for her without that ability to know she would survive.