I thought that if I was going to escape my past I had to move away to another town or city. I wanted to and needed to start over.
I formulated what I thought was a fail safe plan. I had some money saved so I would find student digs that somebody was renting out for a year and just solely study and I could meet new people and do what I should have done when I was 18. I honestly thought there was nobody left in my life worth staying in my home town for. My family were ashamed I had this cursed condition. It was me against the world.
To quell my lonely feelings I drank every night. Be llhaven best then some drams. I am a liar red wine. I was more screwed up than I cared to admit. But people began to see that maybe I had been taken the p#ss out of by the ex.
I joined a new gym and took karate class. My body was suffering and I began experiencing the start of mild IBS. Looking back I had had tthe constipation for years. I was depressed with my life. I couldnt admit it incase I was forced to go back to Fred.
So I soldiered on. Quit the gym and applied to college. I thought I had nothing left to lose and that I would never get unwell again. But the self sabotage took centre stage and memories of the past coerced me to cut down my bi polar medication.
I had loose ends to tie up with Fred . I went to see him and got a shock. He was evidently unraveling. There was mens health magazines on the table. Weights and exercise equipment everywhere. But he was gaunt and thin not muscular. He had built a patio out the back. Somebody had made up the spare room complete with new bed. All he said when I spoke was whatever. Others must have been worried about him.
My family just left me to rot when I had my second meltdown. The nurses after much wall breaking managed to convince me , that history would just keep repeating itself. I was just cutting my nose off to a spite my face.
I wanted to talk to Fred as we left things up in air. But he dropped off my stuff rang the doorbell and ran. I saw him up town and he is was white as a ghost and had eyes like he had been on drugs. I felt responsible for it.
I had some time to myself now and I realised that he was so much in control of me I was using his jokes which I couldn't stand! I bought a Swiss army knife online. I bought a book shelf and made it myself influenced by M Scott Peck.
I was losing weight quire rapidly due to me cutting meds. I began ranting and raving at inappropriate times and people started to frown. I had even absorbed some of Freds opinions and knowing i was bi, i nearly said something i would regret and couldn't take back. I was on the brink.