I hear you. I think I've been emotionally withdrawing from my t over the break, too. It DOES hurt when you see them and feel attached and connected, and then you can't see them for a while and you feel abandoned and disconnected. That is how it is for me, anyway. After a while of disconnection I think I emotionally withdraw a little. Start not really missing him. Start wondering why I see him at all and start wondering whether I will go back or not (though of course I will).

> Why should we have to experience this?

Because nobody can be there 100% of the time when you need them. Life simply doesn't work that way :-(

> Aren't loving relationships supposed to be consistent?

Yeah, I think so. I think that consistency is about how they are when they are around you, though. Sometimes... Life is such that... They can't be around you as much as you need them to be :-(

Disconnection and connection.
Disconnection and connection.
Over and over again.
On one theory the healing comes with the connection (and with the meeting of self-object needs)
But personality change / strengthening comes from the disconnection and repair.
What is meant to be predictable and consistent is the process of
Disconnection and connection.
In the moments of disconnection one starts to meet the self-object need for oneself.
Comes to be more self reliant.

Reconnection is meant to be something that is cherished, yeah.
But that takes time.

I always feel like pushing him away when he comes back.
A little bit avoidant of pain, methinks.
Because the disconnection (still) hurts so much.
I think it is meant to get better with time.
Hang in there.