ergh. So there was a lot of drinking involved with my new years eve celebrations...and both prior and post consumption I forced myself to eat the most "normal" amount of food I can remember consuming of recent. It was a TON to me. But I did it in order to avoid sickness etc. Then new years eve passed...and I made myself the promise to fix what I had done.

In reality, as far as others can see, I have done nothing. They don't see what I see...when I see a new mass of flab...they see the same old me. I don't get it. How nothing to them can drive me crazy all day thinking about it.

I looked at diet pills etc. online. Odd that an anorexic would go after diet pills??? But it makes me feel like what I'm doing is "normal". Lots of people take diet pills, so if I take them then I am like lots of people...sort of thinking.

I gave up on buying new ones and remembered that I still have a bottle from last time I went down this road. I still have 27 days remaining of 2 pills per day. Last time they made me painfully irritable...but it's not like I've been anything but a mood mass lately anyways.

oh. and it's 3:50 in the morning...I haven't slept a wink. I have to be "awake" for school in 2 hours. I'm starting to wonder if I should even go to bed. I'm so anxious to get the next day started...to fix my big uh oh. And of course this is all the result of a total loss of control within my life. I need something stable...desperately...=[