I think I am dull and didn't understand what was going on. During my last year of college, I lost some weight (I was broken hearted from losing a bf) then a few months after graduating a good job. Suddenly I am in shape, have good job and all that comes with it and I get carried away with dating all sorts of guys. Six months into it, my husband took me on dates which were exactly the things I liked and the sex was good too. He asked me to see him exclusively, be with him constantly, etc and I was in love. During the first years, we had good jobs, were saving money, traveling to exciting places, including jobs overseas. When we came back to the US, I agreed to settle down close to where his family is, not mine. He has always been able to make a very convincing case of many of the things he wants. Then I had two children and just focussed on them. There were not that many issues until they reached middle school but this was partially because I tended to bend over backwards to take care of him sometimes. Especially as they got older, the children were loud in the kitchen, etc. he would get upset. When my daughter was in high school, I was working and usally cooked dinner every night. One night, when dinner wasn't on the table and he got on my case about it, she defended me (he did not have a job at the time) I am afraid he got angry at my daughter and when I tried to intercede, I did not take a strong enough stand. Soon, she was crying. He is a bully when threatened (not all the time). I only realized this about a year ago but I have been taking the lazy way out plus I really am afraid to take the step. I am on disability and in a paid off house. I have no savings but have had lots of leisure time because I hardly work. I need to leave but I know how he works. He will never surrender the house. There is a phrase--possession is 9/10s of the law--I have heard him use this phrase in business. From the research I have done, I estimate that a divorce will cost around $6,000--maybe more if he wants to drag it out. When a divorce is finalized, we will both have to start over again and neither of us are very young. I go from wanting to leave to being happy to stay. But I think things are getting worse and worse between us--this may change the situation. I am writing this post because I am trying to psych myself up to possible initiate divorce again. But the first time I tried--I started having major panic attacks and anxiety. Perhaps I am going to have to ask to be majorly medicated in order to endure the ordeals but then again, sometimes to many medications can reduce your motivation to change--so if I take to much, that just plays right into his hands.....