I've been struggling with depression and suicidal ideation since I was a young child. I have typically managed to keep a functional "act" up. Overachieving, successful, hard worker etc. I put so much into looking "normal" I'm exhausted during my down time. I'm highly educated, I have a professional career, a child, a spouse. I feel so guilty all the time for being mentally ill. I hate that my brain doesn't work right and that I often feel anxious and overwhelmed and scared of the future. I love my family and I guess in a lot of ways they're why I'm still here. I can't take meds, at least I haven't found any that didn't just make me worse.

Sometimes I question if I'm really bipolar but I think it's because I don't want to be. I was diagnosed about 7 years ago. I do fit the DSM criteria sort of and I seem to get hypomanias although not too often but I don't know of any other people who are bipolar and don't take meds and don't destroy their lives. Every time I tried meds they made me a danger to myself so I'm too scared to try again. I don't want to put my family through that so I just suffer with the depression. I also have PTSD, and GAD. Things are hard right now. I'm really depressed. I made an appt with my therapist for this week, haven't seen her since November last year. I tried to talk to my psychiatrist a couple of months ago about the fact that I seem to be cycling a lot but I chickened out. I'm in the helping profession myself, it's not a huge community and I don't want to give the impression that I can't handle things. Also I have had no luck with meds so it seems useless to bring it up. The psychiatrist mainly prescribes me stuff for my anxiety.

Anyways I'm just feeling really low right now and I'm wondering if anyone else is struggling to maintain the "normal" mask and is having to stay in the proverbial bipolar closet for their career's sake.