I go through phases. Months back, just the very THOUGHT of trying to forgive him made me rage and hate him so passionately, even to the point of dreaming about yelling at him once. But now that you guys are affirming to me that in no way did I deserve this, that he really WAS being a total jerk, that it had nothing to do with me and I have every right to be angry and betrayed, suddenly I feel a lot more forgiving to him. I think most of my mental anguish and obsessive thoughts came from me not being totally sure whether it was my fault or not. Whether I had a right to feel the way that I feel. This morning I decided to experiment with visualizing myself forgiving him. It was actually possible for me. I wished him well, because nobody who is happy and loves themselves is that rude and distant towards others.

I still swing back to being angry at him though, especially when I just watched an episode of Frasier where Frasier asks Daphne to do something in a condescending way that Daphne is insulted by, and she slowly stares up at him with silent contempt. It reminded me of my experience.

I don't want to pressure myself into trying to forgive him, because I know that's not necessary or even a good idea sometimes in the healing process. I just don't want to let this angry feeling control me. I want to enjoy Halloween season, and not have triggered negative emotions from the inevitable Halloween music that will be playing.