My therapist told me I should talk to someone about my childhood... it's just too hard for me to talk about it IRL, I can barely get a word out. So I'm just gonna post here, just so I can get a bit out.

My dad used to abuse me, sexually and physically, from the ages 4 until the last day I was 9. I never was a kid, I had no childhood, he made me find my own food and clothes. I didn't go to school, I was too busy trying to survive. When he'd go out late at night I had to guard the house... we lived in a poor area with high crime and I was supposed to make sure no one broke in. His dealer used to come in late at night and hurt me too.

He told me I could never go to the doctor, he told me only the weak got injured at I was pathetic if I went to the doctor. But one day he hurt my arm so bad that I sneaked to the doctor late at night. The doctor took advantage of me and did things. I can't see a doctor today without getting sick to my stomach.

When I was 7 I saw him take his gun and shoot my mum and laugh about her body lying on the ground. On my 10th Birthday I saw him shoot my only friend. He killed my friend because that friend had given me cough syrup because I had had a cold.

My dad died on my 10th Birthday too, I don't know how. All I remember is paramedics and police officers in the house leading me away and seeing my dad's body on the ground with a gun on the floor. I don't know who killed him. I'll never know if I killed him or if he killed himself.

Almost everything reminds me of my past, and I feel like I deserved it and everything was my fault, but then some days I know it wasn't my fault. I don't even know how I feel.

Thanks guys... I needed to get it off my chest. It's easier to talk online, no one will judge.