There is no way we can answer your question. Just a thought .....but If you are completely accepting of the gay community and not homophobic...... why do you feel messed up for having lesbian fantasies?

There is nothing wrong with exploring sexuality in fantasies. It's entirely normal.

There's "no way in hell" your going to discuss with your therapist? Hmmmm....you've sort of painted yourself into a corner here. You've branded yourself as messed up and refuse to discuss it in therapy. You are denying yourself help and in doing so you are actually abusing yourself.

I hope you summon the courage to talk to your therapist. They can help you accept yourself as you are.